Fwd: Joke: Rules of being a guy

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<Subject: Fwd: FW: Joke: Rules of being a guy
<Date: Fri, 3 Aug 2001 13:43:57 EDT
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Subject: FW: Joke: Rules of being a guy
Date: Thu, 2 Aug 2001 11:24:26 -0500
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Just a fact of life...

-----Original Message-----
From: Liu, Victor A [mailto:victor.a.liu@intel.com]
Sent: Thursday, August 02, 2001 10:52 AM
Subject: Joke: Rules of being a guy

Here are some morning funnies =)

********************************************

The Rules of Being A Guy.....

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and
eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game
e. When your Date is using her teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of
jail within 12 hours.

5. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move
a. Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing accident

6. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move:
a. You'd rather stay home and watch speed buggy reruns

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever, unless you actually marry her.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late
is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to
wait
10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is forbidden.
Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.
(In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional.)

11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

12. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies' girlfriends within 30
minutes of meeting them, you are not required to make nice with her gal
pals'
significant dick-heads--- low level sports bonding is all the law requires
(sorry ladies, it's called a double standard because it's twice as true).

13. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do not appear
in
public wearing more than one swoosh.

14. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always
ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

15. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

16. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning
on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a topless supermodel...and it's
free.

17. Only in situations of Moral and/or Ass peril are you allowed to kick
another guy in the nuts.

18. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

19. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

20. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't see nothin'.

21. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a
buffalo wing clean.

22. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a
girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw
it
into a ceiling fan.

23. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but
not both.
That's just plain mean.

25. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about
his choice of beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of yours, except
if
she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice Ass, Are you a Sagittarius?

28. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both
urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost
imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

29. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are
able
to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone; Hang up if necessary.

30. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only in a manner
that gives you no chance of getting laid either.

31. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a massive
hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his chair with limburger
cheese, turn the brightness dial all the way down so he thinks his monitor
is
broken, and have him paged over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

32. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is
no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
mistake it was.

33. Always split aces and eights. No arguments.

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