letter

Hope this doesn't piss Jeff off too much...

America has engaged in some finger wagging lately because California
doesn't have enough electricity to meet its needs. The rest of the
country (including George W. Bush's energy secretary Spencer Abraham,
who wants Californians to suffer through blackouts as justification for
drilling for oil in Alaska's Arctic National Wildlife Refuge) seems to
be just fine with letting Californians dangle in the breeze without
enough power to meet their needs. They laugh at Californians'
frivolity.

Well, everybody. Here's how it really is: California ranks 48th in the
nation in power consumed per person. California grows more than half the
nation's fruit, nuts and vegetables. We're keeping them. We need something
to eat when the power goes out. We grow 99 percent or more of the nation's
almonds, artichokes, dates, figs, kiwi fruit, olives, persimmons,
pistachios, prunes, raisins and walnuts. Hope you won't miss them.

California is the nation's number one dairy state. We're keeping our
dairy products. We'll need plenty of fresh ones since our refrigerators
can't be relied upon. Got milk?

We Californians are gonna keep all our high-tech software in state.
Silicon Valley is ours, after all. Without enough electricity, which
you're apparently keeping for yourselves, we just plain don't have
enough software to spare.

We're keeping all our airplanes. California builds a good percentage of
the commercial airliners available to fly you people to where you want
to go. When yours wear out, you'd better hope Boeing's Washington plant
can keep you supplied. There isn't enough electricity here to allow us
to export any more planes than we need ourselves.

And while we're at it, we're keeping all our high-tech aerospace stuff,
too, like the sophisticated weapons systems that let you sleep at
night, not worried you might wake up under the rule of some foreign
kook. [As opposed to some domestic kook]

Oh, yeah, and if you want to make a long-distance call, remember where
the satellite components and tracking systems come from. Maybe you
could get back in the habit of writing letters.

Want to see a blockbuster movie this weekend? Come to California. We
make them here. Since we'll now have to make them with our own
electricity, we're keeping them. Even if we shot them somewhere else,
the labs, printing facilities, editing facilities, and sound facilities
are all here.

Want some nice domestic wine? We produce over 17 million gallons per
year. We'll need all of it to drown our sorrows when we think about the
fact that no matter how many California products we export to make the
rest of America's lives better, America can't see its way clear to help
us out with a little electricity. You can no longer have any of our
wine.

You all complain that we don't build enough power plants. Well, you
don't grow enough food, write enough software, make enough movies,
build enough airplanes and defense systems or make enough wine.

This is your last warning, America. Lighten (us) up before it's too late.

Love,

The Californians

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