A Visitor's Guide to Houston, TX

---------------------- Forwarded by Judy Hernandez/HOU/ECT on 07/27/2000
11:28 AM ---------------------------

Angela Barnett
07/26/2000 05:37 PM
To: Regina Blackshear/Corp/Enron@ENRON, Angela Gill/NA/Enron@Enron, Derick
Jones/Corp/Enron@Enron, Warren Perry/Corp/Enron@Enron, Judy
Hernandez/HOU/ECT@ECT, Leslie Smith/HOU/ECT@ECT, Judy Walters/HOU/ECT@ECT,
lsharis@msn.com
cc:
Subject: A Visitor's Guide to Houston, TX

---------------------- Forwarded by Angela Barnett/HOU/ECT on 07/26/2000
05:36 PM ---------------------------

Mary Westbrook <kittenkid_65@yahoo.com< on 07/26/2000 04:36:40 PM
To: Mabel Abrasley <mabel@abrasley.com<
cc:
Subject: A Visitor's Guide to Houston, TX

A VISITORS' GUIDE TO HOUSTON, TX

(To enable our many visitors to cope with life in
America's Fourth
Largest
City)

1. First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It
is YEWS-TUN and
it
does not matter how people pronounce it in other
places.

2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.
Houston has its own
version of traffic rules. Never forget that downtown
Houston is
composed
entirely of one way streets. The only way to get out
of center of town
is to
turn around and start over when you reach Dallas,
Texas.

3. All directions start with, "Go down Westheimer..."

4. Westheimer has no beginning and no end.

5. It's impossible to go around a block and wind up on
the street you
started on. The Chamber of Commerce calls this a
"scenic drive".

6. The 8am rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30am. The
5:00pm rush hour is
from
3:30 to 6:30pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday
morning.

7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you cannot
be from Houston.

8. Reversible Lanes are not understood by anybody.

9. Kuykendahl Road can only be pronounced by a native,
so do not
attempt the
phonetic pronunciation. People will simply tilt their
heads to the
right and
stare at you.

10. The falling of one raindrop or (God forbid) one
snowflake causes
all
traffic to immediately cease; so will daylight savings
time and a girl
applying eye shadow across the street, or a flat tire
three lanes over.

11. Construction on the Gulf Freeway is a way of life,
and a permanent
form
of entertainment.

12. Many bizarre sights can be explained simply by
uttering the
phrase,"Oh, we're in Montrose!!"

13. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly
unless they
close
down all lanes except one during rush hour.

14. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it
was probably left
on at
the factory where the car was made.

15. Understand that the 95 pound woman driving the
Ford Excursion (the
largest vehicle ever produced) absolutely MUST come to
a complete stop,
then
proceed at 2.5 mph over any railroad track. What's the
deal? This
vehicle
was built to invade small countries, and she's worried
about the
railroad
tracks!!!

16. All ladies with blue hair who drive Cadillacs or
Lincoln
Continentals have the right of way.

17. The above mentioned blue haired ladies also have a
legal right to
turn
right from a left lane or to turn left from a right
lane. YOU HAVE BEEN
WARNED!

18. White haired men driving red or silver sports cars
will not
obey any known traffic rule and cannot be expected to
stop for red
lights or
stop signs.

19. Buying a Houston street map is a waste of money
since there is
absolutely no way that you can route yourself in such
a manner as to
avoid
major road construction.

20. Buying a Houston street map is a waste of money
since the
termination or continuation of any street is entirely
at the discretion
of
the Streets Department of the City. It has been
determined that the
length
of any street on any given day is a mystery known only
to "Higher
Powers" in
the department, and it is rumored that they do not
speak to mere
mortals.

21. Asking directions will help you get acquainted
with the numerous
recent
residents of an amazing ethnic diversity. It will be
not help at all
for
finding the address you seek.

22. If searching for a street on the southwest side of
Houston, a
knowledge of Chinese, Korean, or Vietnamese is
somewhere between
helpful and
mandatory, since the street signs are printed in one
of these languages
along with English. However, often the English name
for the street has
been
removed.

23. Houston natives are so rare that they are listed
on the endangered
species list. The few remaining specimens are kept in
a controlled
environment for their own safety.

24 . "Sir" and "Ma'am" are used by the person speaking
to you if
there's a
remote possibility that you're at least 30 minutes
older than they are.
You
can safely address anyone as "Sir" or "Ma'am" in
Houston as in other
southern cities.

25 . "Sugar" is a more common form of address than
"Miss". So is
"Honey" Do
not take offence. This is how southerners address
grown women.

26 . In Houston we drink Coca Cola and Dr. Pepper. It
is rumored that
other
soft drinks are sold here, but no one will admit to
knowing anyone who
actually drinks them. So don't ask for any other soft
drink.

27 . What you need to know when arriving at Bush
Intercontinental
Airport:
Your arrival gate is at least 32 miles away from the
Main Concourse of
any
terminal. Walking heels on your boots or walking shoes
are advised.

28 . Wherever you are going will be on the other side
of town. When
attempting to cross Houston, assume the trip will take
a minimum of 4
hours
and can take as long as 24 hours.

29 . If attempting to cross Houston via the freeway
system, it is
advisable to carry a supply of Coca Cola, water, a few
sandwiches, and
something to read while waiting on the freeway for the
traffic jam to
clear.
Some moderately fast readers have been known to read a
1,000 page novel
during the course of one traffic jam. If attempting to
cross Houston
during
rush hour,
additional provisions are advisable.

30 . Never get on a Houston freeway without taking a
restroom break
first!
It may be a long time to the next break.

31 . Never honk your horn at another car in Houston
traffic. The
bumpersticker that reads, "Keep honking, I'm
reloading" is considered
fair
warning.

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