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Enron Mail |
A Women's Primer on Men < < < Don't know if you've seen this or not. < < < < TO WOMEN EVERYWHERE FROM A MAN WHO'S HAD ENOUGH < < You really want to figure us out? Here's a start... < < 1. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, < you need it down. You don't hear us gripping about you leaving it down, do < you? No, of course not. That would be stupid, and there are far more < important things to be worried about. You don't try to sit in the driver's < seat without opening the dammed car door, do you? < < 2. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to < act like soap opera guys. < < 3. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. Its a stupid < question, and we refuse to answer. < < 4. Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than < short hair. Period. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is < that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her. < < 5. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can < find the perfect present yet again! < < 6. Here's a real easy one: If you ask a question you don't want an answer < to, expect an answer you don't want to hear. < < 7. Asking opinionated questions that you already have an answer to, and < then getting pissed off because we gave our honest answer in the opposite < direction is a really stupid thing to do. < < 8. Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it. < < 9. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to < discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks. < < 10. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. < Let it be. < < 11. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that < way. < < 12. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. < Really. < < 13. You have enough clothes. < < 14. You have too many shoes. < < 15. Crying is blackmail, and you know it. Knock it off. < < 16. Let's be clear on this one: Ask for what you want. I repeat, ask for < what you want. Subtle hints don't work. Strong hints don't work. Really < obvious hints don't work. Just say it! No, your having to ask for something < does NOT automatically make it not worth getting. If it did, you might as < well give back the car, the house, and that last raise you got. And NO, < trying to punish us by acting like you don't want the thing 30 seconds after < you were compelled to ask for it will not "teach us a lesson" or jumpstart < the ESP gland within our underdeveloped craniums. Here's the math, write it < down somewhere...ASK = GET...NO ASK = NO GET. < < 17. No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on < the calendar. < < 18. Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes. < < 19. Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any < good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress? < < 20. Whether or not you believe it, "yes," and "no" are perfectly acceptable < answers to almost every question. < < 21. Come to us with a problem if you want help solving it. That's what we < do. Occasionally, we can go out on a limb and attempt to empathize. < However, be warned that approaching us with a problem without clearly < indicating which you want (solutions or empathy) will likely result in you < getting neither. Tricky system, but that's just the way it works. < < 22. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for. < < 23. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a medical problem. See a doctor. < < 24. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or < Jackie Chan where it doesn't really matter what they're saying.) < < 25. Check your oil! < 26. If we tell you that you look beautiful at 5:30 in the morning, or any < other time when you are dirty, mussed up, or otherwise not perfectly < coiffed, we really do mean it. Telling us that we don't really pisses us < off, and further decreases the likelihood of your hearing anything of the < sort when you are fishing for compliments. < < 27. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together. < < 28. No, it doesn't matter which quiz. < < 29. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. < < 30. All comments become null and void after 7 days. < < 31. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways < makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one. < < 32. Let us ogle (stare). We're going to look anyway: it's genetic, and we < know you do it too. < < 33. You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, < but not both. < < 34. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during < commercials. < < 35. If it itches, it will be scratched. < < 36. If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like < nothing's wrong. If we ask and you say that something is wrong, we would < greatly appreciate your helping us out by actually telling us what "it" is, < before our aforementioned inability to read minds once again quickly takes < the place of the actual issue at hand. < < 37. When we are with "the guys" or watching sports (or both), we are bound < to look, say, do, or act stupid. It doesn't bother us. It shouldn't bother < you. < < Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch < tonight. We really don't mind that, though; it's kind of like camping (and < we get the remote all to ourselves). < < Sincerely, < The Men <
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