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---------------------- Forwarded by Vince J Kaminski/HOU/ECT on 12/22/2000
07:47 AM --------------------------- Scott Adams <dilbertnewsletter@unitedmedia.com< on 12/21/2000 08:11:21 PM To: vkamins@ect.enron.com cc: Subject: Dilbert Newsletter 32.0 Dilbert Newsletter 32.0 ----------------------- To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC) From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com) Date: December 2000 Highlights: ------------------------------------------------ - My New York City Trip Report - True Tales of Induhviduals - Buying Gifts for Women (video tutorial) - Dogbert Answers My Mail ------------------------------------------------ DNRC Update ----------- The DNRC is 300,000 people strong, which is ironic if you consider that few of us can lift heavy objects. Luckily we have the non-DNRC people, the so-called In-duh-viduals, to do our manual labor. After Dogbert conquers the planet and makes the Induhviduals our personal servants, there will be no more fussing with parallel parking. A small team of Induhviduals will be stationed at every potential parking place, ready to lift your vehicle and gently place it near the curb. A second team will swoop in and tongue-clean your bumper to remove the fingerprints left by the first team. A third team will swoop in and take your vehicle to the landfill so you don't have to drive a car that's been slobbered on. I realize this sounds inefficient, but remember there are over six billion Induhviduals. It's important to keep them busy. Speaking of keeping busy... My Trip to New York City --------------------------------- I am writing this trip report while in New York City to do some PR for my new web site feature (The Lazy Entrepreneur at Dilbert.com). Because I am a famous cartoonist I am staying in a new hotel that costs $500 per night. That might impress those of you who live in huts made entirely of manure. But if you are familiar with NYC you are probably blowing coffee out your nose and slapping your donut flat in a fit of spastic laughter because you know what $500 buys in the Big Apple. Herein, I offer my description of the luxurious NYC hotel experience. I'm struck by the similarity between my situation and John Gotti's. We have similar careers: He's a convicted mob boss; I'm a cartoonist. But here the similarity ends, because his current living conditions are far more luxurious. My room is ever-so-slightly wider than the bed. If it were possible to make a room smaller than its bed, I would be in that room. I'm sure the hotel has hired a team of physicists to crack that nut. The television's remote control doesn't work, but that doesn't matter because you can reach the TV with your hand from almost any location in the room. The "closet" consists of a ten-inch metal pipe that sticks out from the wall, suitable for hanging upwards of three garments. Directly below the metal pipe is a safe for your valuables. This leaves plenty of space for your clothes, assuming you wear the same pants size as G.I. Joe. My heating/cooling system produces an inexplicable noise every five minutes. The noise sounds like a combination of a squeaky door opening and a sword being drawn from its scabbard. This is exactly the sort of noise you want to hear when you're trying to sleep in New York City. The shower has a playful feature. The only way you can get to the shower controls is by reaching around a barrier and placing your head directly under the showerhead. There's nothing like a snoot full of cold water to get your day started. As you probably know, New York City taxi drivers originate from many different countries. They compensate for their incomplete grasp of English by facing away from the passenger and mumbling. I learned to interpret their mumbles by the context. For example, a mumble when you get in the car means, "You look handsome today. To what destination may I transport you?" A mumble while slowing down and looking out a side window means, "This is your destination. Have a wonderful day. Thank you so much for the business." If you argue that he is driving in the wrong direction he will shrug. The shrug means, "Your concern is unwarranted. I have a secret way of going to places by driving in the wrong direction." Using this system of translation I have mastered over 100 different dialects. Buying Gifts for Women ---------------------- Most men are not good at buying gifts for women. That's why I put together a tutorial on gift-buying that you can see at the Lycos Video Center: http://video.lycos.com/myvideocenter/viewvmail.asp?vm=578650&;e=57Uk/Z0JeuvHc&r =1 True Tales of Induhviduals -------------------------- Here are some more True Tales of Induhviduals as reported by vigilant DNRC members. True Tale 1 ------------ A friend of mine manages a Barnes and Noble store. One of her high school part-time workers called in to say she was unable to come to work. Her excuse was that she couldn't find her bra. True Tale 2 ------------ A group of employees were eating together before a conference. The big boss lambasted everyone at the table for his or her role (or their home state's role) in screwing up the recent election. His rant was complete with colorful, blasphemous, scatological and anatomically impossible metaphors. All this was done with his mouth full, and capped by a loud belch. Then his number two, a Senior VP, topped him in one stroke, by scratching his (own) back with a table fork. It is leadership to inspire the soul. True Tale 3 ----------- Update: We've recently recorded our 500th quote from my boss... "I didn't fall off the horse yesterday." True Tale 4 ----------- My new officemate comes into my office with three chairs. One is particularly nice. Apparently it was stolen from the conference room. His comment, "I asked the other guy taking a chair and he didn't care." True Tale 5 ----------- I work with an engineer who makes his own cologne. He has several scents, the worst of which are lemon cough drops and smoky sweet patchouli. Pregnant women and people with sensitive noses are unable to work with him. Recently he revealed that he has been experimenting with pheromones and found that he got "quite a reaction" from women in bars. That reaction doesn't seem to include being attracted to him, because he is single and 40 years old. True Tale 6 ----------- I recently heard an Induhvidual say, "I'm not a rocket surgeon." True Tale 7 ----------- I'm a professor at a university in Georgia. This semester, two students misspelled THEIR OWN NAMES. Another student could not find his way out of the building. He thought the doors marked EXIT would set off the fire alarm. True Tale 8 ----------- An Induhvidual in my office labeled her tape dispenser with the word, "TAPE." I can think of only two reasons: 1. She wanted to make sure that her tape dispenser was not used for any unauthorized purposes, or... 2. She feared she would not recognize the tape dispenser in the future. True Tale 9 ----------- One day I was sitting by my locker reading a book when my friend walked up and asked me what I was reading. I told her, and she said, "Wow! Where did you find that? I've been looking everywhere for that book!" I asked her if she had looked in the library, to which she replied that she hadn't. True Tale 10 ------------ We have to wear uniforms in gym class, but in the winter when we go outside it becomes impractical because of the cold. Solution: They make us wear our uniforms UNDER our clothes! To make matters worse, they ask for random "shorts checks" in which we must pull our pants down a tad to show that we are following their rules. True Tale 11 ------------ I used to work at the local government offices. I kept all my papers in a briefcase. One day I absentmindedly left it in a common area. I went back to where I had left it but it wasn't there. I eventually found out that the caretaker had it. He told me, "I thought it might be a bomb so I took it to my office." Good Work If You Can Get It ---------------------------- A true story of a "Wally"... One of my co-workers on a web site project got the idea that since porn web sites have the distinction of being the only real moneymaking web sites, they must have the best design and implementation. Therefore, we should research them and incorporate their design into our web site. He spent two days on this (at work) and even told several others about his work. His final analysis was inconclusive. Lazy Entrepreneur ------------------ http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/lazyentrepreneur/ The ideas are pouring in to my new web site feature, The Lazy Entrepreneur, at Dilbert.com. Here are some of my favorites, some practical, some whimsical. Toothbrush Contraceptive Pill Dispenser ---------------------------------------- Submitted by mattrogers My girlfriend regularly forgets to take her contraceptive pill. However, to my knowledge she has never forgotten to brush her teeth in the morning. Will someone please invent a toothbrush that has a contraceptive pill dispenser in the handle? Video Tombstones ------------------ -- Submitted by CaptainBasil How about a DVD-based, flat screen LCD video unit embedded in a granite tombstone, for perpetual replay of highlights of the dearly departed's life? [Editor's Note: Even better, how about a motion detector so your video can pop up whenever anyone approaches. Then add some speech recognition and some canned replies and you can carry on simple conversations with the dead. Example: You ask, "How are you today?" The DVD plays the answer, "Not so good. Still dead."] Perpetual Blanket ----------------- -- Submitted by Trouble It's a blanket that wraps down one side of the bed, under the bed and up the other side of the bed, returning to the top. This way people who have spouses that constantly steal the covers can always have a fresh supply being drawn up from beneath. Optional feature: Alarm when blanket is pulled to PROVE that spouse steals the covers. Cubicle Buzzard --------------- -- Submitted by buzzardbert A stuffed buzzard that can clamp onto the top of an office cubicle wall, staring at the soon-to-be fired/retired occupant. Whiteboard Eraser Caps ------------------------- -- Submitted by TelekineticFool Dry Erase markers for white boards should have little erasers on one end, like pencils do, for erasing the occasional small mistake. That way you don't need to use your fingers or necktie. New Dilbert T-Shirts and Sweatshirts --------------------------------------------------- New at Dilbert.com, you can choose one of seven of the most popular Dilbert strips to have printed on a T-shirt or sweatshirt: http://www.cafepress.com/static/UnitedMedia/property.jsp?property=Dilbert Pearls Before Swine -------------------- http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/pearls/index.html Check out a great new comic strip called "Pearls Before Swine," by Stephan Pastis. I love it, and I'm hard to please, comic-wise. You can find it on the web by using the comics menu in the top left corner of Dilbert.com, or by going directly to the URL above. Read the whole archived month to get the rhythm of it and to get past the shocking realization that it's mostly about a rat and a pig talking to each other. Dogbert Answers My Mail ----------------------- In this section Dogbert answers the mail that I am too polite to answer myself. These are all based on real e-mail. The names have been changed to make them funnier. Dear Mr. Adams, I had never really read your comic strips until I was forced to do it for a Business Principles class. You bash the workplace, employees and employers. You make them out to be bad and stupid people. That is nothing like what is really going on today in the workforce. You really need to think about what you are doing. Jennifer Dear Jedi fur, I wish you had given this information to Mr. Adams sooner. He wasted the past eleven years of his life creating inappropriate cartoons. He is SO-O-O-O embarrassed now. However, Mr. Adams is still confused about the process by which arrogant little pissant students like you become brilliant, helpful and kind as soon as you join the workforce. Perhaps you could clarify that in a future correspondence. Sincerely, Dogbert ---------------- Dear Mr. Adams, I have your 2000 Desk Calendar and I just wanted to make a minor complaint. I am looking at today's December 8th comic and it is not funny at all. Perhaps you could have others read it before you send it off to the printers. Tod Dear Toad, Obviously you are not a student of history. December 8th is the official "Day After Pearl Harbor Day" and as such is often referred to as "A day that shall live in unfunny." Sincerely, Dogbert ----------- Dear Mr. Adams, Your cartoons with the hand coming out of the guy's head are some of your worst ever. You have sunk to a new level of stupidity. Phil Dear Phlegm, Mr. Adams wanted to respond to your insightful letter by drawing a little picture of that character making an obscene gesture to you with the hand that's growing out of his head. He thought this would be, to use his words, "a hoot." Fortunately for us all, I have too much class to allow that image to enter anyone's mind. Sincerely, Dogbert Dilbert Fodder --------------- What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses. And I love True Tales of Induhviduals. And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be mocked, I can help. Send your suggestions to me at scottadams@aol.com. Short ones are better. How to Subscribe to the Dilbert Newsletter ------------------------------------------ You can sign up for the free Dilbert Newsletter automatically. Send a blank e-mail to dilbert-text-on@list.unitedmedia.com. Unsubscribing ------------- To unsubscribe automatically, send a blank e-mail to dilbert-off@list.unitedmedia.com. Problems Signing up for the Newsletter --------------------------------------- If the automatic method doesn't work for you, simply send a message to newsletter@unitedmedia.com specifying your e-mail address and you will be added manually. This method is much slower than the automatic method so please be patient. Scott Adams scottadams@aol.com All submissions to Scott Adams and/or Dilbert.com shall become the exclusive property of United Media and Scott Adams, and they will have the right to use them free of charge, in any manner and in any medium, forever and throughout the world. Please do not reply to dilbertnewsletter@unitedmedia.com
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