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---------------------- Forwarded by Vince J Kaminski/HOU/ECT on 11/06/2000
11:27 AM --------------------------- Scott Adams <dilbertnewsletter@unitedmedia.com< on 11/02/2000 06:53:02 PM To: vkamins@ect.enron.com cc: Subject: Dilbert Newsletter 31.0 Dilbert Newsletter 31.0 ------------------------ To: Dogbert's New Ruling Class (DNRC) From: Scott Adams (scottadams@aol.com) Date: November 2000 Highlights: ------------------------------------------------ - How I Spent My Summer Vacation - True Tales of Induhviduals - Cat Stretching Video - Dogbert Answers My Mail ------------------------------------------------ DNRC Update ----------- Many of you have expressed surprise and outrage that Dogbert was not in the presidential debates. That's what you think. What you don't realize is that Al Gore is actually a robot, remotely controlled by Dogbert. The real Al Gore was abducted months ago and is being held in a safe place. The strange thing is that the real Al Gore is a robot too. How I Spent My Summer Vacation ------------------------------ This newsletter is a bit late because this year I took my first vacation ever. It was a cruise to Alaska. I will summarize it here so you don't need to go. Alaska is a large cold place with approximately six residents who would inbreed if they found each other more attractive. There was scenery. Alaska has bald eagles, which are very rare because of Rogaine(tm). From the cruise ship you can see bears on the shore. Bears are about the size of a pencil eraser, at least the ones I saw. They might look bigger up close. If you wondered where all the senior citizens went, they were on my cruise ship. That was fine with me; when I'm in bear country I like to be surrounded by people who can't outrun me. And it was fun to see the bald eagles swooping down to our deck and carrying off the elderly with their majestic talons. (Why those elderly people had majestic talons I'll never know.) The ship had a gym in the bow, with large windows. When I used the exercise bike I pretended that the ship was being powered by my pedaling. I almost passed out trying to ram a tugboat. They are faster than they look. The cruise ship had something they call a gambling casino. It wasn't the kind where you sometimes get back a small portion of your money. But that was okay with me because when you're in the middle of the ocean, and you're not the designated sailor, shoving money into a small hole in a colorful blinking box can be loads of fun. There was food. If I left anything out, drop by the house and I'll show you the pictures. Cat Stretching -------------- My cat Sarah used to be short and stubby. Check out my streaming home video at Lycos Video Center to see how I upgraded her. Here's the URL: http://video.lycos.com/myvideocenter/viewvmail.asp?vm=338035&;e=33KUVI9WUjIaU&r =1 Pillows ------- Until I obtained good taste, I thought the proper number of pillows for a bed was one per head. It's embarrassing to think how wrong I was. Thanks to the help of a professional decorator, and Pam, my bed now has fifteen pillows. Six of them are big honkers that look very impressive until they are thrown on the floor at night. Four of them are decorative pillows featuring the cheerful faces of various dogs; those go on the floor at night too. One pillow is a log-shaped thing called a bolster; it has no purpose that I can discern. Two are "Bucky(tm)" pillows that support one's neck should that become necessary on an emergency basis. When not in use, they go on the floor with the bolster. And then there are two pillows that can be used for -- of all things -- your head. Those stay on the bed. The bedspread somehow transmogrified into something Frenchy-sounding, called a duvey or doovay or something like that. It is so heavy that I put a lump of coal under it and I check its progress every few days. You can't actually sleep under it, especially on warm California nights, but it sure is pretty. That goes on the floor too. Thirteen pillows plus the doovay are strewn around the bedroom floor all day. I fantasize about someday making the bed just to see what it would look like. Or maybe I'll just spend that same energy building a full-scale replica of Stonehenge. I am delighted with my cornucopia of bedding because I know that should those beautiful items somehow find their way from the floor to the bed, the sight would make even the most jaded observer step back and say, "Wow. It must be a pain in the ass to have that many pillows." Incompetence Pays ----------------- A true tale from the field... My group ordered 14 new workstations for nearly $70,000. The contracts person (Induhvidual) responsible for buying the PCs announced that she was able to negotiate a better price than we had indicated, saving $14,000 on the purchase. As a result of the cost savings, she was granted an award of $7,000, 50% of the cost savings. This $7,000 award came out of my group's budget. When we received the 14 workstations, we discovered how she had saved the $14,000. She had removed all the monitors from the order. We received 14 computers with no monitors. We were forced to file a new order for the 14 monitors. Since the monitors were not being bought as part of a package, the new price for the monitors came to $19,000, $5,000 more than our original order. The end result was that the $70,000 worth of workstations actually cost us $82,000, and the Induhvidual was rewarded for her good work. Looking Busy ------------ Here's an excellent method for getting paid to do nothing, courtesy of a devious DNRC member: Scatter some papers over your desk as though you are working on them. Open your middle desk drawer (directly over your lap), place your favorite magazine in the drawer and spend the next hour reading it. Put a pen in one hand and keep that hand in the drawer. If someone enters your office, remove the pen from the drawer and close it in one smooth motion. Two Dimensional Management -------------------------- True story: Our senior execs decided they needed to be more "visible" to the unwashed masses. The solution: cardboard cutouts of the VPs and senior VPs in the break rooms. Induhviduals Speak ------------------ Here are two recent statements, both from the same Induhvidual, as recorded by a vigilant DNRC member. "I'm caught between a rock and a stone." "My son has a huge appetite. He has a bottomless leg." Here are some more gems, all uttered by another prolific Induhvidual. (I might use some of these myself someday.) "It's like being a monkey with chickens on your back!" "Are you too blind to remember?" "Anyone could go to that person and say, 'I need a bell on the side of the elephant.'" "He has too many fingers in the dike." "It's like an engineer falling out of a building." "Smooth as pie." "I have no idea what that is. Thank goodness we didn't order three!" "The active part is there, the proactive is not." "Same crap, different fork." Lazy Entrepreneur ----------------- Did you ever have a great business idea but you were too lazy to do anything about it? It's frustrating because other people don't realize how brilliant you are. To the ignorant observer it appears you are sitting on your couch drinking soda, burping, and eating the remnants of potato chips off your shirt. You look lazy and dim-witted when in truth you are lazy and brilliant. It's totally unfair. That's why United Media and I created the Lazy Entrepreneur web site. It's a message board where you can post your brilliant and generally impractical ideas. Or make snide remarks about those who do. You'll get all the benefits of displaying your brilliance in a public forum while using no more energy than it takes to type. And no one will see the embarrassed look on your face when a stranger tells you your invention has existed for years and you can buy it at any Target store. I seeded the Lazy Entrepreneur with a bunch of my own brilliant and impractical ideas. For example, I'd like to see a prescription pill container with a built-in manual dial on the bottom, labeled for each day of the week, so I can use it to remember if I already took a pill that day. If the pill has to be taken twice a day, the dial would have two positions for each day. If I had a pill container like that I could stop worrying whether I took my pill and start worrying whether I remembered to turn the dial. For some reason, that seems better to me. If you don't want to give away your brilliant ideas, the web site has information on copyrights, patents, trademarks and the like. DNRC members will get an exclusive preview of the Lazy Entrepreneur. It won't be linked from Dilbert.com until next week, but you can join in the beta test by following the link below. http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/lazyentrepreneur/ You'll have first choice of user names, and your feedback will have a big impact on upgrades to the site. (If you find anything that doesn't work, please send the report to lazye_bugs@unitedmedia.com). Dilbert.com Short List ------------------------------ The Dilbert List of the Day is now available in a short, weekly highlights version that you can email to a friend. You can find the Short Lists at: http://umweb1.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/lotd/ShortList/shortlist_email.ht ml For information on reprinting the Short List on your company's Intranet, email dgoldstein@unitedmedia.com. DNRC Members-only Link Icons ---------------------------- We've added a new animated DNRC link icon to the members' only page at: http://www.unitedmedia.com/comics/dilbert/dnrc/membersonly.html This link is available only in the newsletter. Wise Crack ---------- In a recent Sunday strip, Wally's co-workers held him down while Catbert branded him with a hot iron. An eighth of an inch of Wally's butt crack was visible in the original drawing. I was informed that readers would complain that Wally's butt crack was destroying the moral fiber of the planet, so we removed the butt crack line from the print version and included it in the web version. This allows us to test the idea that exposure to cartoon butt cracks is bad for children. In theory, the kids who see the unedited web version will grow up to be serial killers, marketing professionals and auditors. They might even have butt cracks of their own, possibly using mirrors to ogle them. Or they might become butt crack addicts. Adult magazines might be printed that feature nothing but one-eighth inch black lines. The possibilities are frightening. True Tales of Induhviduals -------------------------- Those In-duh-viduals continue to amaze and amuse us. Here now, some more true tales as reported by DNRC operatives in the field. True Tale 1 ----------- My boss handed me ten pages of data and asked me to scan them, use optical character recognition (OCR) to get them into our spreadsheet software and rearrange the columns to meet his needs. After several hours spent scanning and fixing OCR errors, I learned that the spreadsheets had originally been e-mailed to my boss as an attachment. It seems that my boss didn't remember how to rearrange columns using spreadsheet software so he figured it would be easiest to print the file and have me do it instead. True Tale 2 ----------- During my recent attempt to get a pay raise, part of the conversation went like this: Me: "I have many more responsibilities than I did when I was first hired, so you should pay me more." Pointy-Haired Boss: "No, because if you weren't here, we'd just do without the extra functions that you're performing, so why should we pay you to do them?" True Tale 3 ----------- I'm the webmaster at my company. I asked the PR director to give me the most up-to-date list of our business locations so I could update the web. She downloaded my web pages and gave them to me. True Tale 4 ----------- I was having trouble getting my boss to read my e-mail. Upon investigation he told me he got too many messages and couldn't read them all. I investigated further and discovered that he was using the alphabetical sort feature in Outlook, and since my name started with a "P" he never got down to my e-mails. True Tale 5 ----------- The following is the real reason dot-coms are burning money. Our product development team was meeting with the VP for product development to unveil our product. It was fully functional to the point of beta-testing. At the conclusion of our presentation, the VP responded that this was great, since he had been in discussions with an external IT firm about outsourcing the development. "Maybe we'll be able to get them to do it cheaper if they know we already have a working product." True Tale 6 ----------- A friend told me that his supervisor permitted the receptionist to make up lost time on a Saturday, when they are closed. True Tale 7 ----------- This is the real signature line of every mail one of my bosses sends: (Company name) ... Shiting ideas to solutions I think he meant shiFting. True Tale 8 ----------- My high school French teacher isn't the sharpest crayon in the box. She was playing a French song off the Internet, and the class wanted to know who the band was. She looked at the computer for a minute, walked to the chalkboard and promptly wrote: MP3. True Tale 9 ----------- Sometimes, Induhvidualism can work out for the best. I work at a movie theatre chain that has been sold to another movie theatre chain. Technically, everyone in my company is being laid off. Per company policy, all employees will be receiving severance pay before going back to the *exact same* jobs they had before the switch. True Tale 10 ----------- An example from our bright travel department: "Regarding your travel request for Nashville. You are looking at a Southwest flight at 1740. Would this be a.m. or p.m.?" True Tale 11 ----------- One day on the way to work my wife and I passed by a park and saw an Induhvidual cleaning up trash in the park using one of those "garbage harpoons" and a bucket. We watched her walk along, picking up garbage and smoking her cigarette as she went. Just as I started to say how dedicated she must be for not even stopping her work for a smoke break, she took the cigarette butt from her mouth and flicked it on the ground and continued cleaning, leaving the cigarette butt smoldering on the ground behind her. True Tale 12 ----------- Here is a wonderful and true story about how the bureaucratic mind works. I live in California, and the large building I work in is cooled by drawing in outside air during the months of June and May. (This saves lots of money because the huge air conditioner remains off.) But one June day it was unseasonably hot, so I called the maintenance department to come and turn on the large roof-mounted air conditioner. The following conversation is a jewel. ME: It is very hot and uncomfortable in this building. Will you please turn on the air conditioning? HER: Uh, we always leave the air-conditioning off during this month. ME: Yes, I know. But it is hot outside, and worse inside. HER: I am sorry, but this is just part of our yearly program. We don't use air conditioning in June. ME: But it is getting unbearable in here. The above exchange was repeated several times, and finally, with some irritation in her voice, she delivered the following, and hung up. HER: Sir, I am sorry you are uncomfortable over there, but we only control the air-conditioning; we have no control over the weather! True Tale 13 ----------- An angry Induhvidual recently accused me of "cheating" at our various work meetings. I asked how. The Induhvidual replied that, "You always prepare for our meetings and that gives you an unfair advantage." Dogbertian Poll --------------- Dogbert might have inspired this idea. Someone recently spammed a bunch of people with a message that asked them to call a 900 number to vote on the issue of whether spam was a good thing or a bad thing. It only cost you $1.50 per minute to complain about spam. Dogbert Answers My Mail ----------------------- In this section Dogbert answers the mail that I am too polite to answer myself. These are all based on real e-mail. The names have been changed to make them funnier. Dear Mr. Adams, I am studying Social Communication in Argentine. I wonder if you could send by e-mail all the information about people who work in offices, the relationship between them and the work environment and also about office design. I wish you could send all the information you can get by e-mail otherwise you can send me a list of bibliography to search information about the topics in Spanish. I beg you to answer in a short time, my e-mail. Romero Dear Remora, I'm glad you begged. People in the United States are too proud to get right down on all fours and whimper when they want something. I will send the information you requested right away. If you don't see it within a day, call my 900 number and complain. It is only $1.50 per minute. Sincerely, Dogbert ---- Dear Mr. Adams, I THINK YOUR CARTOONS ARE LOUSY, PLEASE STOP SMOKING THAT DAMN CRACK! Anonymous Dear Ahmamouse, Mr. Adams resents that comment. He has been known to erase crack to satisfy editors but he never smokes them. Sincerely, Dogbert --- Dear Mr. Adams, My Latin teacher gives us extra credit if we bring in anything that contains one or more of our 'daily phrases,' such as 'Ad Hoc,' 'Ante Meridian,' and 'Circa.' I was wondering if you could make me a cartoon including many Latin phrases that would still be used today. This would be a big help. Abe Dear Ape, Latin is what's known as a dead language. It got that way because every time a Latin student asked for a special cartoon he was slain by a hideous monster that lived under his bed. I'm not saying that will happen to you, right away. Anyway, here's a little story that uses your daily phrases. My poor Irish ante Meridian was broke. So she circa the block in her hometown of Unum until she saw a fish fall from the back of a fish delivery truck. It was a carpe worth ten cents. She thought that that carpe diem would get her out of hock, or at least reduce it, but she used so much gas driving in circa that it turned out to be an ad hoc situation. So she ate a potato and went to visit her niece, Pati O'Furniture who lived in the town of Pluri. She took the E Pluri Bus from Unum. Sincerely, Dogbert Dilbert Fodder --------------- What's bugging you about your job? Let me know and you might see it in a Dilbert comic or newsletter. The best comic fodder involves workplace peeves, devious strategies, frustrations of dealing with others, conflicting objectives, unintended management consequences, and of course my favorite - idiot bosses. And I love True Tales of Induhviduals. And if you're seeing any new management trends that need to be mocked, I can help. Send your suggestions to me at scottadams@aol.com. Short ones are better. How to Subscribe to the Dilbert Newsletter ------------------------------------------ You can sign up for the free Dilbert Newsletter automatically. Send a blank e-mail to dilbert-text-on@list.unitedmedia.com. Unsubscribing ------------- To unsubscribe automatically, send a blank e-mail to dilbert-off@list.unitedmedia.com. Problems Signing up for the Newsletter --------------------------------------- If the automatic method doesn't work for you, simply send a message to newsletter@unitedmedia.com specifying your e-mail address and you will be added manually. This method is much slower than the automatic method so please be patient. Scott Adams scottadams@aol.com All submissions to Scott Adams and/or Dilbert.com shall become the exclusive property of United Media and Scott Adams, and they will have the right to use them free of charge, in any manner and in any medium, forever and throughout the world. Please do not reply to dilbertnewsletter@unitedmedia.com
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