---------------------- Forwarded by Matthew Lenhart/HOU/ECT on 09/27/2000
01:12 PM ---------------------------

"Marcantel MM (Mitch)" <MMMarcantel@equiva.com< on 09/27/2000 11:49:02 AM
To: "Oncale Z (Zach)" <ZONCALE@equiva.com<, "'Matthew.Lenhart@enron.com'"
<Matthew.Lenhart@enron.com<, "Sutton EE (Ed)" <EESutton@equilon.com<,
"Olmscheid JF (Joe)" <JFOLMSCHEID@Equilon.com<
cc:

Subject: DUMP AT WORK

< << We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked
< << back in
< << our cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much
< << as we
< << try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those of
< << you
< << who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the...........
< <<
< << 1999 SURVIVAL GUIDE FOR TAKING A DUMP AT WORK.
< << Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure
< << pleasure.
< <<
< << ESCAPEE
< << Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or
< << forcing poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave
< << of
< << panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when
< << passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee,
< << do
< << not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing
< << next to
< << the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one
< << likes an
< << escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or
< << laughing
< << makes both parties feel uneasy.
< <<
< << JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee) Definition: When forcing
< << poop,
< << several farts slip out at a machine guns pace. This is usually a side
< << effect
< << of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic, remain
< << in the
< << stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the
< << awkwardness of what just occurred.
< <<
< << COURTESY FLUSH
< << Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone
< << of the
< << poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed
< << location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink
< << up the
< << bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
< << SHAME.
< <<
< << WALK OF SHAME
< << Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you
< << have
< << just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment
< << if
< << someone walks in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the
< << smell
< << does not exist.
< <<
< << OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
< << Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
< << You will
< << often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a
< << newspaper or
< << magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out
< << of the
< << Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
< <<
< << THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
< << Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure
< << "emergency
< << pooping" goes off without incident. This group can help you to
< << monitor the
< << whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.
< <<
< << SAFE HAVEN
< << Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where
< << you can
< << least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the
< << opposite
< << sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the
< << bathroom.
< <<
< << TURD BURGLAR
< << Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall
< << and
< << tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and
< << vulnerable moments that occur when work taking a dump at work. If
< << this
< << occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURG leaves. This way you
< << will
< << avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
< <<
< << CAMO-COUGH
< << Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
< << bathroom
< << that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or
< << to
< << alert potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in
< << conjunction with
< << an ASTAIRE.
< <<
< << ASTAIRE
< << Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD
< << BURGLARS
< << that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the
< << stall
< << is occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately
< << so the
< << pooper can poop in peace.
< <<
< << WATERMELON
< << Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet
< << water.
< << This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON
< << coming on,
< << create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
< <<
< << HAVANA OMELET
< << Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
< << in
< << the toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a
< << CAMO-COUGH
< << with an ASTAIRE.
< <<
< << UNCLE TED
< << Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
< << Could
< << spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on
< << the pot.
< << An UNCLE TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
< << should
< << always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This
< << benefits you
< << as well as the other bathroom attendees.
< <<
< << FLY BY
< << Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk
< << in,
< << check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave
< << and
< << come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People
< << may
< << become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
< << bathroom.
< <<
< << CRACK WHORE
< << Definition: A crapper that has seen more behinds than a Greyhound Bus.
< << Tell
< << tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include pee stains and crap streaks.
< << Avoid CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor
< << cleans
< << each particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a
< << SAFE
< << HAVEN.
< <<
<
<