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<< < Subject: 1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
<< < << < We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked << < back in our << < cubicles and suddenly felt something a brew down below. As much as we << < try to convince ourselves who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the........... << < << < 1999 Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work. << < << < Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure << < pleasure. << < << < ESCAPEE << < Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or << < forcing << < poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of << < panic/embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive << < when passing << < an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not << < acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next << < to the << < farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes << < an << < escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or << < laughing makes << < both parties feel uneasy. << < << < JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with escapee) << < Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine << < guns pace. << < This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this << < should happen << < do not panic, remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom << < so to << < spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. << < << < COURTESY FLUSH << < Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone << < of the poop << < log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed << < location. << < This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the << < bathroom. This << < can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. << < << < WALK OF SHAME << < Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you << < have just << < stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if << < someone walks << < in. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not << < exist. << < << < OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER << < Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. << < You will << < often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a << < newspaper or << < magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out << < of the << < Closet pooper before entering the bathroom. << < << < THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) << < Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure << < emergency pooping << < goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the << < whereabouts << < of OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS. << < << < SAFE HAVEN << < Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where << < you can << < least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the << < opposite sex. << < This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the << < bathroom. << < << < TURD BURGLAR << < Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall << < and tries to << < force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable << < moments << < that occur when work taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in << < the stall << < until the TURD BURG leaves. This way you will avoid all << < uncomfortable eye contact. << < << < CAMO-COUGH << < Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the << < bathroom that << < you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to << < alert << < potential TURD BURGLARS. Very effective when used in conjunction with << < an << < ASTAIRE. << < << < ASTAIRE << < Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential TURD << < BURGLARS that << < you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall << < is << < occupied. If you hear an ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so << < the pooper << < can poop in peace. << < << < WATERMELON << < Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet << < water. << < This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a WATERMELON << < coming on, << < create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. << < << < HAVANA OMELET << < Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes << < in the << < toilet water. Often accompanied by an escapee. Try using a << < CAMO-COUGH with an << < ASTAIRE. << < << < UNCLE TED << < Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. << < Could spend << < extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. << < An UNCLE << < TED makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should << < always wait << < to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as << < well as the << < other bathroom attendees. << < << < FLY BY << < Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk << < in, check << < for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and << < come back << < again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become << < suspicious << < if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom. << < << < CRACK WHORE << < Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. << < Tell tale << < signs of a CRACK WHORE include pubes, piss stains and shit streaks. << < Avoid a << < CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans << < each << < particular bathroom. Don't forget, a CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE << < HAVEN.
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