FW: Over and out

Control Tower to Pilot
< <
< <
< < The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots
and
< < control towers from around the world:
< <
< < While taxiing the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale
< made
< < a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United
< < 727. The irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew,
< < screaming: "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right
< onto
< < Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know
< it's
< < difficult for you to tell the difference between C's and D's, but get it
< < right!"
< <
< < Continuing her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting
< < hysterically: "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to
< sort
< < this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You
< can
< < expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want
you
< to
< < go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You
got
< < that, US Air 2771?"
< <
< < "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
< <
< < Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
< verbal
< < bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground
< controller
< < in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was running high.
< Then
< < an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you
< once?"
< < ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
< < The controller working a busy pattern told the 727 on downwind to make a
< < three-sixty--do a complete circle, a move normally used to provide
< spacing
< < between aircraft. The pilot of the 727 complained, "Don't you know it
< costs
< < us two thousand dollars to make even a one-eighty in this airplane?"
< <
< < Without missing a beat the controller replied, "Roger, give me four
< thousand
< < dollars' worth."
< < ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
< < A DC-10 had an exceedingly long rollout after landing with his approach
< speed
< < a little high.
< <
< < San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at the end of the
runway,
< if
< < able. If not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101 and make a
< right
< < at the light to return to the airport."
< < ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
< < It was a really nice day, right about dusk, and a Piper Malibu was being
< < vectored into a long line of airliners in order to land at Kansas City.
< <
< < KC Approach: "Malibu three-two Charlie, you're following a 727, one
< o'clock
< < and three miles."
< <
< < Three-two Charlie: "We've got him. We'll follow him."
< <
< < KC Approach: "Delta 105, your traffic to follow is a Malibu, eleven
< o'clock
< < and three miles. Do you have that traffic?"
< <
< < Delta 105 (in a thick southern drawl, after a long pause): "Well...I've
< got
< < something down there. Can't quite tell if it's a Malibu or a Chevelle."
< < ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
< < Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
< <
< < Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
< < immediately!"
< <
< < Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
< < ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
< < Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
< <
< < Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
< after
< < we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
< runway."
< <
< < Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on
< < 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?"
< <
< < Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
< we
< < copied Eastern and we've already notified our caterers."
< < ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
< < The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short tempered
lot.
< < They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
< get
< < there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement
< that
< < we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt
< ground
< < control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
< <
< < Speedbird 206: "Top of the morning, Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of
the
< < active runway."
< <
< < Ground: "Guten Morgen. You vill taxi to your gate." The big British
< Airways
< < 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
< <
< < Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
< <
< < Speedbird 206: "Stand by a moment, Ground, I'm looking up our gate
< location
< < now."
< <
< < Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you never flown
< to
< < Frankfurt before?"
< <
< < Speedbird 206 (coolly): Yes, I have, actually, in 1944. In another type
< of
< < Boeing, but just to drop something off. I didn't stop."
< < ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
< < O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
one
< < o'clock, three miles, eastbound."
< <
< < United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got that
< Fokker
< < in sight."
< < ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
< < A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
< overheard
< < the following: Lufthansa (in German): Ground, what is our start
clearance
< < time?"
< <
< < Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
< <
< < Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
< Germany.
< < Why must I speak English?"
< <
< < Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
< bloody
< < war!"