FW: Thou Shalt not Skim Flavor From the Holidays

GO AHEAD AND LAUGH A LITTLE. ITS FREE
This is a good one!
< THOU SHALT NOT SKIM FLAVOR FROM THE HOLIDAYS
< By Craig Wilson, USA TODAY
<
< I hate this time of year. Not for its crass commercialism and forced
< frivolity, but because it's the season when the food police come out
< with their wagging fingers and annual tips on how to get through the
< holidays without gaining 10 pounds. You can't pick up a magazine
< without finding a list of holiday eating do's and don'ts. Eliminate
< second helpings, high-calorie sauces and cookies made with butter, they
< say. Fill up on vegetable sticks, they say. Good grief. Is your
< favorite childhood memory of Christmas a carrot stick? I didn't think
< so. Isn't mine, either. A carrot was something you left for Rudolph.
< I have my own list of tips for holiday eating. I assure you, if you
< follow them, you'll be fat and happy. So what if you don't make it to
< New Year's? Your pants won't fit anymore, anyway.
<
< 1. About those carrot sticks. Avoid them. Anyone who puts carrots on
< a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact,
< if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're
< serving rum balls.
<
< 2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine
< single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than
< single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now.
< So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's
< not as if you're going to turn into an egg- nogaholic or something.
< It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than
< you think. It's Christmas!
<
< 3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of
< gravy. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill
< it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
<
< 4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or
< whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a
< sports car with an automatic transmission.
<
< 5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
< your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
< other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello? Remember college?
<
< 6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
< Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do.
< This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the
< buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of
< eggnog.
<
< 7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
< frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
< yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before
< becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of
< shoes. You can't leave them behind. You're not going to see them
< again.
<
< 8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each.
< Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
< Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one
< dessert? Labor Day?
<
< 9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the
< mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have
< some standards, mate.
<
< 10. And one final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the
< party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.
< Reread tips. Start over. But hurry! Cookieless January is just
< around the corner.
<