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Enron Mail |
< Memo To: All Employees < Subject: New Policies < < Sick Days: < < We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as < proof of sickness. If you < are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come < to work. < < Surgery: < < Operations are now banned. As long as you are an < employee here, you need all < your organs. You should not consider removing < anything. We hired you intact. < To have something removed constitutes a breach of < employment. < < Bereavement Leave: < < This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing < you can do for dead < friends, relatives, or co-workers. Every effort < should be made to have < non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare < cases, where employee < involvement is necessary, the funeral should be < scheduled in the late < afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work < through your lunch hour and < subsequently leave 1 hour early, provided your share < of the work is enough < to keep the job going in your absence. < < Your Own Death: < < This will be accepted as an approved excuse. < However, we do require at least < 2 weeks advance notice, as it is your duty to train < your replacement. < < Rest Room Use: < < Entirely too much time is being spent in the < restrooms. Therefore, in the < future all employees will follow the practice of < going in alphabetical < order. For instance, those whose names begin with < 'A' will go from 8:00 to < 8:10, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go < from 8:10 to 8:20, and so < on. If you're unable to go at your time, < it will be necessary to wait until the next day when < your time comes again. < In extreme emergencies, employees may swap their < time with another < co-worker. However, both employee supervisors must < approve this exchange in < writing. In addition, there is now a strict 3 minute < time limit in the < stalls. At the end of 3 minutes, an alarm will < sound, < the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall < door will < open. < < Paycheck Guide: < < The following guide has been prepared to help our < employees better < understand their paychecks. < < Example: Gross pay $1,222.02 < < Income tax 244.40 < Outcome tax 45.21 < State tax 11.61 < Interstate tax 61.10 < County tax 6.11 < City tax 12.22 < Rural tax 4.44 < Back tax 1.11 < Front tax 1.16 < Side tax 1.61 < Up tax 2.22 < Tic-tacs 1.98 < Thumbtacks 3.93 < Carpet tacks .98 < Stadium tax .69 < Flat tax 8.32 < Surtax 3.46 < Corporate tax 2.60 < Parking fee 5.00 < FICA 81.88 < TGIF fund 9.95 < Life insurance 5.85 < Health insurance 16.23 < Dental insurance 4.50 < Mental insurance 4.33 < Reassurance .11 < Disability 2.50 < Ability .25 < Liability 3.41 < Unreliability 10.99 < Coffee 6.85 < Coffee cups 66.51 < Floor rental 6.85 < Chair rental .32 < Desk rental 4.32 < Union dues 5.85 < Union don'ts 3.77 < Cash advance .69 < Cash retreats 121.35 < Overtime 1.26 < Undertime 54.83 < Eastern time 9.00 < Central time 8.00 < Mountain time 7.00 < Pacific time 6.00 < Oxygen 10.02 < Water 16.54 < Heat 51.42 < Cool air 26.83 < Hot air 20.00 < Miscellaneous 113.29 < Various 8.01 < < < Net Pay $0.12 < < Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are < here to provide a positive < employment experience. < < All questions, comments, concerns, complaints, < frustrations, irritations, < aggravations, insinuations, allegations, < accusations, comtemplations, < consternations, or input should be directed < elsewhere. Have a nice week. < < < __________________________________________________ Do You Yahoo!? Yahoo! Calendar - Get organized for the holidays! http://calendar.yahoo.com/
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