one of those "patriotic" things.

<
<Why are Aggies the shame of Texas ?
<Well, I am probably not the best person to go into this. I can assure you
<my
<brother, and other Horns who have had the torture of spending time in
<College Station can tell it better than I, but here are my takes on the
<subject.
<1) They won't shut up. They have to go on about spirit, and dogs, and old
<army, and red ass, and how bonfire represents the burning sensation they
<have in their urine to beat U.T., and blah bah blah. Shut up. You start to
<get the feeling their entire school was built to spite U.T. Forget the fact
<that when the Texas Legislature back in the 1870's passed legislation to
<start a state university they also decided to have a subsidiary branch of
<the main school (University of Texas) that would teach agriculture and
<mechanics. Ags love to say their school is older, from where they get that
<I
<don't know.........the fact is, the State intended a&m to be a branch of
<U.T. They are like afterbirth from the original creation. Like Danny Devito
<in 'Twins'. So they apparently have this complex, so much so, that they
<must
<devote their entire school to trying to prove to U.T. that they are just as
<good. All the while, nobody at U.T. denies that A&M is a good school, yet
<they won't shut up. So they write a fight song ... about ... Texas, and how
<they want to beat us. They have a Fish camp for Freshman ... where ... they
<tell them how bad Texas is and how good A&M and all its traditions are. It
<is the worlds longest known case of penis envy, and it is manifest in
<everything A&M does.
<2) The people at A&M. Now we all have friends who went to A&M or are at
<A&M.
<There are some nice people there. However......there is the Corp. East
<Texas
<answer to dreams of ROTC kids everywhere. For every boyscout who never
<learned to stop playing with his GI Joe toys, there is the Corp. Now,
<forget
<the fact that A&M will actually let people with sub-par grades enroll if
<they agree to join the Corp. Forget the fact that the Corp looked like a
<gestapo hate rally when beating down students (including one instance of
<tackling and punching a young girl) on Kyle Field in 1995. Forget the fact
<that along with the numerous hazing charges that have been filed against
<them, and swept under the rug over the years, they just this past month
<have
<had one Corp member bring charges against another Corp member who
<apparently
<had been propositioning others for a little mutual Sodomy. Not only could I
<go on with more instances of idiocy by these Khaki clad shaven headed
<dorks,
<I am sure each of you have your own stories. The point is: We all respect
<West Point, Anapolis, The Air Force Academy. Nobody respects the Corp. I
<imagine they are kind of the laughing stock of the military world. Just
<because you dress like the Army, and try and act like the Army, does not
<make you the Army. People at A&M don't even like these clowns. It is not
<cool to shave your head and dress up. Halloween is only supposed to be one
<day of the year. If you want to carry guns and beat up civilians, move to
<Israel. It is even less cool to slobber on somebody's daughter on national
<television and call it a tradition. Dry humping 18 year old girls in the
<stands at football games is not cool. Not only is it not cool, it should be
<against the law. I know that in College Station, students are prone to just
<mount each other on the campus lawn, or in the middle of class, or any time
<anything good happens you can just grab the girl next to you and start
<sucking on her face. But everywhere else in the world, it is looked down
<upon. Especially if you are doing it on my T.V. That is why we had to move
<the game from Thanksgiving. Because people across the nation were gagging
<on
<their turkey when in the middle of watching a football game, some boys
<scout
<is tongue thrashing some overweight co-ed during somebody's thanksgiving
<dinner. We do not need to see burly women engaged in a suck fest every time
<your woeful offense manages to put points on the board. Some of these girls
<are in desperate need of a trip to the Clinique counter. Screw that, forget
<make-up, it is too late for that, just give them a veil.
<3) I have only dated one aggie in my lifetime. She was a cute girl too. But
<our relationship, albeit doomed from the start, was cut short when she
<ripped butt in my presence on a date. I am willing to look past many
<shortcomings in a woman, but do not expect to drop ass, in my bedroom no
<less, and expect not to get run. There will be no blasting of foul air by
<my
<future wife. At least not until we are engaged. Come on. Is that common in
<College Station ? Do ags sit around on dates just trading glandular
<salutes.
<"Hey Betty (FARRRT) Can you top that ????" "Sure Bill, (GGGRRUUUNNTTTT) put
<that in your pipe and smoke it". Truly Gross. Is that what ags mean by 'Red
<Ass' and 'Old Army' ? She sure laid some Old Army that night.
<4) T.U. is not funny. It is not insulting. It is just dumb. Just imagine
<Ags, if folks from Texas kept talking about M&A, and giggling. That would
<not be funny. In fact it would be retarded. That's why we don't do it.
<Please learn.
<5) You want to lose the image of country bumpkins, of a people fond of
<sheep, of people that aren't stupid? Then quit building things that fall
<down. Quit chasing cheerleaders around with swords on national television.
<Quit whooping in church. Quit whooping period. Quit putting up scoreboards
<for the enjoyment of dead mammals. Quit spending your Friday nights
<practicing how to yell. Quit telling rape jokes to reporters when you're
<running for Governor. When you are filling out your season ticket renewals,
<and the form asks for your - Phone #, H & W: - Quit putting 258-3999,
<Height
<6'3, weight 185. Just, collectively, stop making asses of yourselves. Go to
<East Texas, tour every small town, and ask every red neck with a 5th grade
<education why they cheer for A&M and wear maroon. That is your fan base.
<This is why you are perceived by the educated masses as stupid.
<6) Nobody cares if you think your band is better. They might be louder,
<they
<might march in neat little zig zags, but they have no musical ability. But
<the point is, nobody cares 'who wins halftime'. Quit getting geeked up
<about
<marching bands. I find it hard to believe you stood through your high
<school
<band's entire halftime performance. And why? Cause nobody cared then, and
<nobody cares now. Plus, you can hear them fine sitting down even if you do
<care. Why is it cool all of a sudden now that you're in college ?
<7) Men should never let out high pitched whooping sounds. Perhaps the only
<justifiable situation in which this can be tolerated is perhaps during an
<anal probe. Oh wait........I understand now.
<8) Dogs are not ladies. They don't look or smell like ladies. Dogs eat
<their
<own feces and should be treated accordingly.
<9) Finally. College Station is an arm-pit of a town. Quit pretending that
<it
<is a great college town. It is a town, and there is a college there. That
<should be the end of this comparison. If you feel that life doesn't get any
<better than the Dixie Chicken, and enjoy being stuck in a never ending
<'Dukes Of Hazard' episode, then move there. More importantly, don't move to
<Austin........we are trying to create an educated, technological, and open
<minded population base. Austin is, and will continue to be, the birthplace
<and final resting place of all that is cool. As my friend Stephen Johnston
<once said: "If the world were ever to get an enema, College Station is
<where
<you would connect the hose." If you go to school at A&M, please don't be an
<aggie.
<God Bless the Great State of Texas
<
<
<
<

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