Fwd: Southern Advice

---------------------- Forwarded by Susan M Scott/HOU/ECT on 04/06/2000 06:24
PM ---------------------------

RE: Southern Advice

ADVICE TO NORTHERNERS MOVING SOUTH:

The following is a pre-approved posting whose purpose is to offer insight
and advice to Northerners moving South.

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use
it
shortly.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners
can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab
of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be
along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is
what they live for.
4. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the
positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find
it yourself.
5. Remember: "Y'all is singular." "All y'all is plural." All y'all's is
plural possessive."
6. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
7. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you, either.
8. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's
vocabulary is the adjective "big ol," as in "big ol truck," or "big ol
boy."
9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55-mph zone, directly
in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on
a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that
vehicle.
10. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of
his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still,
that you will ever hear.
11. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In
fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate,
you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was
purchased.
12. If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone
eating.
13. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until
December.
14. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most
minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local
grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store.
It is just something you're supposed to do.
15. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase
one,it
is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in
mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house, and should,
therefore, be prominently displayed.
16. Be advised that in the South, "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.

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