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Enron Mail |
Hit really close to home for my particular tribe.....
-----Original Message----- From: "Emily Hillegeist" <ehillegeist@hotmail.com<@ENRON Sent: Friday, October 26, 2001 7:17 PM To: hollypaxman@cs.com; katyhester@hotmail.com; kerriedolce@hotmail.com; Gillette, Lisa; elizabeth.lawrence@wcom.com; Nickolle.Paschal@sstuk.com; Scott, Susan M. Subject: "The Never Marrieds" redemption for the bridget joneses of us out here.... e << <<In My Tribe << < < < << < < <October 14, 2001 << < < < << < < <By ETHAN WATTERS << < < < << < < < << < < < << < < < << < < <It may be true that 'never marrieds' are << << < saving themselves << <<<< < < <for something better. They may also be saving <<< << < the << <<<< < < <institution of marriage while they're at it. <<<< < < < <<<< < < <You may be like me: between the ages of 25 and <<< << < 39, single, << <<<< < < <a college-educated city dweller. If so, you <<< << < may have also << <<<< < < <had the unpleasant experience of discovering <<< << < that you have << <<<< < < <been identified (by the U.S. Census Bureau, no <<< << < less) as one << <<<< < < <of the fastest-growing groups in America -- <<< << < the ''never << <<<< < < <marrieds.'' In less than 30 years, the number <<< << < of << <<<< < < <never-marrieds has more than doubled, <<< << < apparently pushing << <<<< < < <back the median age of marriage to the oldest <<< << < it has been << <<<< < < <in our country's history -- about 25 years for <<< << < women and 27 << <<<< < < <for men. <<<< < < < <<<< < < <As if the connotation of ''never married'' <<< << < weren't negative << <<<< < < <enough, the vilification of our group has been <<< << < swift and << <<<< < < <shrill. These statistics prove a ''titanic <<< << < loss of family << <<<< < < <values,'' according to The Washington Times. <<< << < An article in << <<<< < < <Time magazine asked whether ''picky'' women <<< << < were ''denying << <<<< < < <themselves and society the benefits of <<< << < marriage'' and in << <<<< < < <the process kicking off ''an outbreak of 'Sex <<< << < and the City' << <<<< < < <promiscuity.'' In a study on marriage <<< << < conducted at Rutgers << <<<< < < <University, researchers say the ''social <<< << < glue'' of the << <<<< < < <family is at stake, adding ominously that <<< << < ''crime rates . . << <<<< < < <. are highly correlated with a large <<< << < percentage of << <<<< < < <unmarried young males.'' <<<< < < < <<<< < < <Although I never planned it, I can tell you <<< << < how I became a << <<<< < < <never-married. Thirteen years ago, I moved to <<< << < San Francisco << <<<< < < <for what I assumed was a brief transition <<< << < period between << <<<< < < <college and marriage. The problem was, I <<< << < wasn't just << <<<< < < <looking for an appropriate spouse. To use the <<< << < language of << <<<< < < <the Rutgers researchers, I was ''soul-mate <<< << < searching.'' << <<<< < < <Like 94 percent of never-marrieds from 20 to <<< << < 29, I, too, << <<<< < < <agree with the statement ''When you marry, you <<< << < want your << <<<< < < <spouse to be your soul mate first and <<< << < foremost.'' This << <<<< < < <?ber-romantic view is something new. In a 1965 <<< << < survey, << <<<< < < <fully three out of four college women said <<< << < they'd marry a << <<<< < < <man they didn't love if he fit their criteria <<< << < in every << <<<< < < <other way. I discovered along with my friends <<< << < that finding << <<<< < < <that soul mate wasn't easy. Girlfriends came <<< << < and went, as << <<<< < < <did jobs and apartments. The constant in my <<< << < life -- by << <<<< < < <default, not by plan -- became a loose group <<< << < of friends. << <<<< < < <After a few years, that group's membership and <<< << < routines << <<<< < < <began to solidify. We met weekly for dinner at <<< << < a << <<<< < < <neighborhood restaurant. We traveled together, <<< << < moved one << <<<< < < <another's furniture, painted one another's <<< << < apartments, << <<<< < < <cheered one another on at sporting events and <<< << < open-mike << <<<< < < <nights. One day I discovered that the <<< << < transition period I << <<<< < < <thought I was living wasn't a transition <<< << < period at all. << <<<< < < <Something real and important had grown there. <<< << < I belonged to << <<<< < < <an urban tribe. <<<< < < < <<<< < < <I use the word ''tribe'' quite literally here: <<< << < this is a << <<<< < < <tight group, with unspoken roles and <<< << < hierarchies, whose << <<<< < < <members think of each other as ''us'' and the <<< << < rest of the << <<<< < < <world as ''them.'' This bond is clearest in <<< << < times of << <<<< < < <trouble. After earthquakes (or the recent <<< << < terrorist << <<<< < < <strikes), my instinct to huddle with and <<< << < protect my group << <<<< < < <is no different from what I'd feel for my <<< << < family. << <<<< < < < <<<< < < <Once I identified this in my own life, I began <<< << < to see << <<<< < < <tribes everywhere I looked: a house of <<< << < ex-sorority women in << <<<< < < <Philadelphia, a team of ultimate-frisbee <<< << < players in Boston << <<<< < < <and groups of musicians in Austin, Tex. <<< << < Cities, I've come << <<<< < < <to believe, aren't emotional wastelands where <<< << < fragile << <<<< < < <individuals with arrested development mope <<< << < around << <<<< < < <self-indulgently searching for true love. <<< << < There are rich << <<<< < < <landscapes filled with urban tribes. <<<< < < < <<<< < < <So what does it mean that we've quietly added <<< << < the tribe << <<<< < < <years as a developmental stage to adulthood? <<< << < Because our << <<<< < < <friends in the tribe hold us responsible for <<< << < our actions, I << <<<< < < <doubt it will mean a wild swing toward <<< << < promiscuity or << <<<< < < <crime. Tribal behavior does not prove a loss <<< << < of ''family << <<<< < < <values.'' It is a fresh expression of them. <<<< < < < <<<< < < <It is true, though, that marriage and the <<< << < tribe are at << <<<< < < <odds. As many ex-girlfriends will ruefully <<< << < tell you, << <<<< < < <loyalty to the tribe can wreak havoc on <<< << < romantic << <<<< < < <relationships. Not surprisingly, marriage <<< << < usually signals << <<<< < < <the beginning of the end of tribal membership. <<< << < From inside << <<<< < < <the group, marriage can seem like a risky <<< << < gambit. When << <<<< < < <members of our tribe choose to get married, <<< << < the rest of us << <<<< < < <talk about them with grave concern, as if <<< << < they've joined a << <<<< < < <religion that requires them to live in a <<< << < guarded compound. << <<<< < < < <<<< < < <But we also know that the urban tribe can't <<< << < exist forever. << <<<< < < <Those of us who have entered our mid-30's find <<< << < ourselves << <<<< < < <feeling vaguely as if we're living in the <<< << < latter episodes << <<<< < < <of ''Seinfeld'' or ''Friends,'' as if the plot <<< << < lines of our << <<<< < < <lives have begun to wear thin. <<<< < < < <<<< < < <So, although tribe membership may delay <<< << < marriage, that is << <<<< < < <where most of us are still heading. And it <<< << < turns out there << <<<< < < <may be some good news when we get there. <<< << < Divorce rates have << <<<< < < <leveled off. Tim Heaton, a sociologist at <<< << < Brigham Young << <<<< < < <University, says he believes he knows why. In <<< << < a paper to be << <<<< < < <published next year, he argues that it is <<< << < because people << <<<< < < <are getting married later. <<<< < < < <<<< < < <Could it be that we who have been biding our <<< << < time in happy << <<<< < < <tribes are now actually grown up enough to <<< << < understand what << <<<< < < <we need in a mate? What a fantastic twist -- <<< << < we ''never << <<<< < < <marrieds'' may end up revitalizing the very <<< << < institution << <<<< < < <we've supposedly been undermining. <<<< < < < <<<< < < <And there's another dynamic worth considering. <<< << < Those of us << <<<< < < <who find it so hard to leave our tribes will <<< << < not choose << <<<< < < <marriage blithely, as if it is the inevitable <<< << < next step in << <<<< < < <our lives, the way middle-class high-school <<< << < kids choose << <<<< < < <college. When we go to the altar, we will be <<< << < sacrificing << <<<< < < <something precious. In that sacrifice, we may <<< << < begin to << <<<< < < <learn to treat our marriages with the <<< << < reverence they need << <<<< < < <to survive. <<<< < < < <<<< < < <Ethan Watters is a writer living in San <<<< < < <Francisco. <<<< < < < <<< << < _________________________________________________________________ Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com/intl.asp
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