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26 RULES FOR BEING A GOOD REPUBLICAN IN 21st CENTURY AMERICA
< < 1. You have to believe that the nation's current 8-year prosperity was < due entirely to the work of Ronald Reagan and George Bush, but that < yesterday's gas prices are all Clinton's fault. < < 2. You have to believe that those privileged from birth achieve success < all on their own. < < 3. You have to be against government programs, but expect your Social < Security checks on time, whether you need the money or not. < < 4. You have to believe that government should stay out of people's < lives, < yet you want government to regulate only opposite-gender marriages and < what your official language should be. < < 5. You have to believe that pollution is OK, so long as it makes a < profit. < (The Christie Whitman rule!!) < < 6. You have to believe in prayer in schools, as long as people don't < pray < to Allah, Krishna or Buddha. < < 7. You have to believe that only your own teenagers are still virgins. < < 8. You have to believe that women cannot be trusted with decisions about < < their own bodies, but that large multinational corporations should have < no regulation or interference whatsoever. < < 9. You know you love Jesus and that Jesus loves you and that Jesus < shares < your hatred of AIDS victims, homosexuals, and President Clinton. < < 10. You have to believe that society is colorblind and growing up black < in America doesn't diminish your opportunities, but you still won't vote < for < Alan Keyes. < < 11. You have to believe that it was wise to allow Ken Starr to spend $50 < < million dollars to attack Clinton because no other U.S. presidents have < ever been unfaithful to their wives. < < 12. You have to believe that a waiting period for purchasing a handgun < is < bad because quick access to a new firearm is an important concern for < all < Americans. < < 13. You have to believe it is wise to keep condoms out of schools, < because < we all know if teenagers don't have condoms they won't have sex. < < 14. You have to believe that the American Civil Liberties Union is bad < because they defend the Constitution, while the National Rifle < Association < is good because they defend the Constitution. < < 15. You have to believe that socialism hasn't worked anywhere, and that < Europe doesn't exist. < < 16. You have to believe the AIDS virus is not important enough to < deserve < federal funding proportionate to the resulting death rate and that the < public doesn't need to be educated about it, because if we just ignore < it, it will go away. < < 17. You have to believe that biology teachers are corrupting the morals < of 6th graders if they teach them the basics of human sexuality, but the < < Bible, which is full of sex and violence, is good reading. < < 18. You have to believe that Chinese communist missiles have killed more < < Americans than private handguns, alcohol, and tobacco. < < 19. You have to believe that even though governments have supported the < arts for 5000 years and that most of the great works of Renaissance art < were paid for by governments, our government should shun any such < support. < After all, the rich can afford to buy their own and the poor don't need < any. < < 20. You have to believe that the lumber from the last one percent of old < < growth U.S. forests is well worth the destruction of those forests and < the extinction of the several species of plants and animals therein. < < 21. You have to believe that we should forgive and pray for Newt < Gingrich, < Henry Hyde, and Bob Livingston for their marital infidelities, but that < bastard Clinton should be impeached. < < 22. You have to believe that taking RU486 is murder, but the electric < chair is a deterrent. < < 23. You have to believe that the way to fix the military is to spend < more < money, the way to fix the schools is to spend less. < < 24. You have to believe in mandatory sentencing for cocaine users, < unless < they are attending Yale at the time. < < 25. You have to believe that new hiways in the suburbs are an < investment, < public transportation is a subsidy. < < 26. You have to believe scientists when they say a space based < anti-missile < defense system is feasible, but that global warming is a figment of < their < imagination. < < < _________________________________________________________________ < Get your FREE download of MSN Explorer at http://explorer.msn.com < ------------------------------------------------------ Get the Latest News at CNN Interactive: http://CNN.com
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