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<===== Original Message From ordinarylife-owner@yahoogroups.com ===== ORDINARY LIFE - Thoughts and Ideas to Help You Live a Happier Life ====================================================== Summary of February 17, 2002 ====================================================== Dear Folks ? When we gathered on Sunday, I spoke with you about the importance and value of great questions in our lives. During this season of Lent I am focusing on themes having to do with the metaphorical movement from - bondage into freedom, darkness into light, Death into life. We did take an excursion to talk about the importance of managing one's state of mind and I spoke about two ways to do that ? how we manage our bodies and how we manage the focus of our attention. Then we revisited the Quest for the Holy Grail story because I had had so many questions about it. Indeed, I wasn't able to finish what I had planned to say (we'll wrap that up next week ? along with the telling of another story I learned from Robert Johnson.) What follows is the full text of the presentation. Much love, Bill Kerley ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Quest I On ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ When you leave the sessions that we share together here, I want you to leave feeling better than you did when you came in the door. Better about yourself, better about your life, better about your relationships, better about what you do, better about where you live - I'm not talking about the physical place where you live; though that might be involved. I just love this season of the year. In the liturgical calendar we call it "Lent." It is that time from Ash Wednesday to Easter Sunday when we make what I call the journey from bondage to freedom, from darkness into light, from death into life. So much of our spiritual journey can be put under the general theme of a journey, or a quest. The principles of Ordinary Life are about the beliefs and behaviors we can have that will empower us to have an enhanced experience of life. How can you get what you really want out of your life on a daily basis? That's the question. Well, it may not be the question but it is an important one. Question. That's what we are going to talk some about today - questions. The word "question" can be written as a sentence: "Quest I on." We are on a quest. We are in fact spending the precious moments of our lives on a quest for something. Is the one you are on what you want? Really? In order to get what you really want, you have to, what? Know what you want. But even more than that in the belief system we are bringing to our work in here - as reflected by the Ordinary Life principles, wanting just anything and everything misses the point. What do you want? Most responses to this question are so general and not what we really want anyway. A lot of people last night hoped to win the lottery. People think that having lots of money would bring them happiness. But I would contend that it is not the money that people want. People don't want little pieces of green paper with dead presidents pictures on them. People want what they think they are going to get from those things - freedom, fun, the ability to get with others, to have some kind of pleasure. I want to put kind of a parenthesis in here before we come back to the heart of the matter. One of the most important things we can do to create the power, the joy and the passion we really want to live our lives with is to learn to manage our own states of mind. If you don't do this, it will cost you virtually everything you really want in your life - friends, family, success, and joy on a daily basis. What determines how you feel? How you feel at any moment in time is purely designed by and the result of how you are directing your own mind and body at that moment. No matter what is happening in your life, you are in control - unless you are in intense physical pain or stressed to the point of exhaustion and mental failure - of your own state. Once you understand this and use it, you have control of your life at a whole new level. You can have more fun, joy, and passion than you ever dreamed of once you take that responsibility and take that control. Some people resist this notion because it is close to the principle of our having a moral obligation to be happy. It is a heavy responsibility but look at those who never learned to manage their state. Almost every week - sometimes it seems like every day - you read in the paper of people who seem to have had all that would make most happy but didn't learn to manage their state within themselves. There is a major price to pay in not managing your state. For example, a tragic event can happen in one person's life and, after an appropriate time for physical and emotional adjustment, they are able to let the event go and move on in their lives. For other people, they seem to hang on to bitter disappointments forever. It is all a matter of learning to manage your state of mind. In managing it there are major rewards. How do you do it? There are two primary ways to control your state of mind. 1. Controlling the way you use your physical body. 2. Controlling your mental focus. That is, what you pay attention to, what you think about, what you picture, what you say to yourself when you talk to yourself. Let's talk about each for a moment. First, let's see how we can use our physical bodies to create the emotions we want at any moment in time. In order to feel anything in life, you feel it through your physical body. Do this exercise: Stand up. Tall. Breathe fully. Look up. Put a huge silly grin on your face. Now, without changing any aspect of your body, get depressed. You can't do it. Changing your body sends a totally different message to your brain. The way we move our facial muscles, the way we gesture, the way we walk, the pace at which we talk - all of these things determine how we feel in any given moment. So when we feel bad, just talking positively to ourselves or making affirmations is not enough. When most Americans don't like the way they feel, they do something to change their body. Drink, smoke, or eat. Find some gestures and movements you can make that will instantly change your state. These are your power moves. How, for example, would you walk if you felt totally successful and unstoppable? Sit the way you would be sitting if you had five times more energy than you ever can remember. Breathe the way you would if you felt strong and excited and energized. Put a facial expression on you would have if you felt totally passionate and excited. Now go from this state to being in a state of boredom. Sit that way. Bored and tired. What did you change? Notice. Though this may sound weird, this is a valuable skill to have. Developing new ways to handle your body is a most valuable way to change states. Learn how to use your physical body to have enough energy to live with passion and enthusiasm. A second way to change your state of mind and spirit is to control and direct the focus of your mind. That is, what are you paying attention to right now at this moment? There is tremendous power in controlling the focus of your mind. We can control what we are focusing on. That is, what we are picturing in our mind, what we are saying to ourselves. If you go to a party the only things you will have feelings about are the things you focus on. The problem is that you can?t focus on everything. We become deletion creatures. The price we pay for this is to walk around believing that our experience of the world is real. Some people have, and we'll get into reasons for this in a moment, trained themselves to notice what they don't want and what they don't like. Guess what shows up for them in life? What they don't want! What they don't like! If you want the party of your life to be one you are happy with and not one you are upset with, you have to focus on what makes you feel great. The quality of your life is the quality of the state of mind you live in day to day. How you feel day to day determines how you treat yourself, how you treat other people, how great you feel about your life. What determines this is how you use your body and what and how you focus on things. This is how some overcome tragedy and how others don?t. No matter how good it is, you can always focus on something that isn't perfect or doesn't match your expectations. Success is creating consistent pleasure in your life and causing yourself to grow. Failure is being able to find pain no matter how good it is. Understand we are always making decisions about what to focus on. Our hope is in turning off the automatic pilot and taking control. When you do, you instantly change the quality of your life. In life, we get what we focus on. Whatever you pay attention to is what you experience instantly. If you feel a certain way on an ongoing basis it is because you ask certain questions on an ongoing basis. "Why does this always happen to me?" The presupposition is that bad things are always happening to you. Do you presuppose things that limit you, that put you down, or that create consistent feelings of success in your life? The quality of your life is based on the quality of your questions. Asking, for example, about a horrible situation, what can I learn from this that will enhance my life and the life of others as well? How can I use this situation to help me create more power for me and for others? If angry at someone you might ask, "What do I respect about this person?" Or, "What is funny about this that I haven't noticed yet?" When you ask such questions, you have to be willing really to search for the answer. Ask with a sincere interest and desire for an answer. What could I do today that would be more fun than ever before? To connect more with my loved ones? Here are some questions I use: What am I most happy about in my life right now? What about that makes me happy? What else am I happy about? What am I really excited about in my life right now? What about that makes me excited? What am I really grateful for in my life right now? You will feel a state change when you answer these questions. Come up with some questions whose answers can put you in the state you want and read them every morning. You are already doing this. I'm suggesting that you do it in a way that is useful. I want to revisit a story I read to you just a few weeks ago. The story is The Quest of the Holy Grail. It is a story rich in meaning and significance. I've had a number of questions seeking clarification. When the knights of King Arthur's court had seen an apparition of the Grail through a veil, they determined to go on a quest to find it. Remember this is a myth and it is filled with symbolic/metaphorical language. The knight energy within us serves the king. The king energy is that which reflects our sense of integrity and wholeness; our understanding of who we are and what our purpose in this life is. In the story the knights thought, "We should go out together to find the Grail." But then they realized that this could be "a disgrace." No, each must go alone into the forest and enter at the point he himself would choose, "where it was darkest and there was no path." The vision of and the search for the Grail is the quest for meaning and purpose. Entering the forest alone at the darkest spot, this is the road less traveled. This is the hero?s journey. These times together in Ordinary Life are designed for those ready to take such a journey. The word hero is related to the words heresy and heretic. All three are derived from a Greek word meaning "able to choose." A hero is a chooser. A hero chooses the questions of his or her life and therefore the quest that person chooses to live. For all of us, the question is the quest-I-on. The questions we ask ? or fail to ask ? shape the journeys of our lives. What distinguishes the person who is experiencing abundant life from the rest is that he or she chooses the questions and earnestly seeks their answers. The rest follow the lead of society. My question to you is this: will you live your life from the heart, develop a heart of compassion, or live your life conventionally from the prescribed role? Wisdom asks the right questions. So much of what is important in life is around questions. "Daddy, why is the sky blue?" "Who made the world?" "What would you do if you won the lottery?" In the Bible, the questions are so important. "Adam, where are you?" "Am I my brother's keeper?" "Master, what must I do to inherit eternal life?" "Who is my neighbor?" "Simon, do you love me?" Wisdom asks the right questions. Enlightenment is about knowing the person who asks the question. The more expansive our questions, the wider our consciousness. King Midas asked for gold. King Solomon asked for wisdom. What are you asking for? The story of our lives doesn't really get interesting until we know what we want. Questions ignite your mind like spark plugs ignite the engine of your car. Is it time to get up? What shall I wear? What shall I have for breakfast? What is on my schedule for today? Will she make me happy? Will he be faithful? What will people think? How can I pay my bills? Point? Most of our questions are so automatic we don't even notice them. But they shape our lives. Becoming mindful is becoming aware of the questions you are asking. What are the dominant questions of your life? They determine your life's direction and shape. So, if you want to change the shape of your life, change your questions. Our automatic questions lead to one kind of life. Here is another order of questions altogether: "Who am I? What in the world am I doing here? How can I serve? What is the meaning of my life?" These questions clearly lead to something else. In the Grail myth story the hero is the one who is adequate to "Grail Quest." His adequacy is not a matter of big muscles or intellectual refinement, but of a simple, childlike heart. Parzival often seems something of a fool. The line between the hero and the fool is always thin. Parzival is raised by his mother. Even if you were raised by a mechanical monkey, you have a mother. His father was a knight and came to his end in the way knights often do. Mother would see to it that the same thing not happen to her fair-haired boy. She secludes him from knightly things and stories. Of course, this fails. It always does. One day three knights show up in bright and shining armor and the boy is enchanted. Enchantment is when we fall "in love" with someone or something with the belief that if we could just possess it or be possessed by it, then we will "live happily every after." Mother then hopes to have him ridiculed out of his questions. She wants him to give up this foolish business of heroic intentions. Many people do give up their dreams to please mother, or "mother" as projected onto their spouses. "What will people think?" kind of thing, you know. So she gives him a pitiful old nag of a horse and a ridiculous costume, one that makes him look exactly like a fool. The tribe never equips us to leave it. We have to find those tools on our own. Every one on the quest must be prepared to face ridicule. If you want to be sure of yourself, do what society tells you to do. If you want to break out of the conventional mold you must figure out for yourself what you are about. Some people blithely quote Joseph Campbell's great line that says "follow your bliss." This doesn't mean following some silly whim. It means knowing your mission/purpose on this planet and doing whatever is required to fulfill it. Campbell became a world famous authority on myth because he did what was required, in the face of ridicule and much opposition, to gain that position. The heart of the story of Parzival and his quest for the Grail is suggested in his first encounter in the Grail castle. After various adventures, Parzival has sort of stumbled into the Grail castle. This is the wisdom of innocence. The purity of the simple fellow gets him into the Grail castle. We must indeed become like children. Gentle as doves. But, we must also be as wise as serpents. In the castle lives a king who is sorely wounded. The king's illness has brought devastation to the kingdom ? it has become the Wasteland. All of us, to some degree, get wounded growing up. In the process of surviving, the child interprets experience in three ways: The first is in the bonding experiences ? or lack of them ? that we have. The child interprets the tactile and emotional bonding, or lack thereof, as a statement about life in general. Is it predictable and nurturing, or is it uncertain, painful and precarious? This primal perception shapes the child?s ability to trust. All sorts of factors can influence ? death in the family, illness, etc. Second are the behaviors the child observes growing up. The child internalizes specific behaviors of the parent as a statement about self. So, a parent?s depression, anger or anxiety will be interpreted as a statement about the child. A man asked his dying father, "Why were we never close?" The father went into a tirade, "Do you remember when you were ten and you dropped your toy in the toilet and I had to work to get it out?" The list of trivial events continued. The son had always thought of himself unworthy. His father set him free by revealing his craziness. Then there are the beliefs that are handed to the child. The child observes the behaviors of the adults around her or him, their struggles with life, and internalizes not only these behaviors but also the attitudes they imply about the self and the world. Years ago, I would experience an uneasiness when my wife bought new clothes. What I got to in my analysis was a memory of my mother taking me with her to buy new hats when she was depressed. She would try one on and ask me if it looked good enough to get her a compliment. Very inappropriate! Parzival can redeem the king and the kingdom by asking a simple question.. The wounded king is brought before him, and Parzival wants to ask, "What ails thee, brother?" But he has been told good knights don't ask a lot of questions. The decisive moment for him is the choice between acting from his heart or from his role as a knight. He fails; innocence is not enough, for he has already been socially indoctrinated. It has caused him to doubt the promptings of his heart. He chooses to act the way he thought he was supposed to. He muffed his opportunity for the Grail because he was trying so hard to be a good boy. He goes to bed that night, and when he gets up in the morning, the castle is empty. As he leaves the castle, he hears a voice shouting, "You silly goose.. Why didn't you open your mouth and ask the lord the Question?" One of the experiences of mid-life is to "wake up" and discover that the castle is empty. What we do then is critically important. Though a little dense, he soon enough comes to realize that he has missed his chance. He is really depressed. He could see now that his being so slow to ask the question as he sat beside the sorrowing king has cost him. So, for the next five long years he tries desperately to find his way back to the castle. He is booed and jeered. Everyone knows he has failed and everywhere is the desolation of the Wasteland. But he is gaining the wisdom of experience, of commitment, loyalty, and dedication. His journey weaves through a maze-like set of experiences through which he comes to redeem and understand his past. Holding to his quest, his question, provides him with the ball of string that he can unwind and find his way out of the wasteland and back to the Grail castle. You may well want to find a spiritual teacher or therapist to help you understand and know the one who is asking the question. But don't look to that person to provide the question for you. All the answers you need about your life you already have within you. Of course, he eventually triumphs and, in fact, becomes himself the Grail King. Through his tenacity of purpose, or loyalty to the Quest, he makes it.. Just so, all who take up the great Quest-i-ons of life and hold tenaciously to them will enter into a marvelous life, the life of their destiny. For Parzival, and I think for you and me, too; the basic issue is compassion. In other words, "What ails thee, brother? What ails thee, sister?" Jesus talked about tending to needs of the least of these, his brothers and sisters. If around you it looks like a wasteland, the way out is through the heart. If the heart is not the center of your life, you are not really living; you are inauthentic. This is what the Grail story, and Jesus, and others, tell us. Whatever is at the center of your life will be the source of security, guidance, wisdom and power. When next we gather, I'll make some remarks about the rest of the Grail story and what the words "security," "guidance," "wisdom" and "power" mean. The loving heart, the heart of compassion is the reality of human life. The desire to be what you are is what begins to wake you up. No matter where you go this week, no matter what happens, remember this: You are carrying precious cargo. Watch your step. ====================================================== Ordinary Life is a gathering that provides an opportunity to develop an enlightened heart and an awakened mind to the reality of the present moment.. The gathering meets on Sunday mornings at 9:45 am in Fondren Hall at St. Paul's UMC - 5501 South Main, Houston, Texas and is taught by Dr. Bill Kerley. If you would like more information - Contact Bill Kerley - E-Mail - Bill@bkspeaks.com Web - www.bkspeaks.com Voice - 713-663-7771 Fax - 713-663-6418 Mail - 6300 West Loop South, Suite 480 Bellaire, TX 77401 ============================== You can access the archives of these newsletters by going to http://groups.yahoo.com/group/ordinarylife You can add someone you know would be interested in receiving these on-line newsletters by sending that information to - Bill@bkspeaks.com I'll make sure they are added immediately! Or, they can subscribe themselves by sending an e-mail directly to Ordinarylife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com You can unsubscribe to this newsletter by sending an e-mail to ordinarylife-unsubscribe@yahoogroups.com ================================ The material in this on-line newsletter is copyrighted. It may be reproduced and printed elsewhere as long as it is not changed in any way and credit is given to this source. ============================================================================ Dr. William C. Kerley Personal Growth Strategies 6300 West Loop South Suite 480 Bellaire, TX 77401-2903 Voice 713-663-7771 Fax 713-663-6418 Mobile 713-594-9180 Please visit my web site http://www.bkspeaks.com Also, "Ordinary Life: Useful Ideas for a Happy Life" is a free online weekly newsletter. To subscribe send a blank e-mail to ordinarylife-subscribe@yahoogroups.com "bkspeaks" is a newsletter published on the work days closest to the 5th and 20th of the month. It contains thoughts and ideas useful for personal and professional growth, bits and pieces of presentations Bill does for businesses in his talks and consultations, book ideas and more. To subscribe send a blank e-mail to bkspeaks-subscribe@yahoogroups.com To learn about and purchase books and tapes by Bill go to http://www.bayoupublishing.com Your use of Yahoo! Groups is subject to http://docs.yahoo.com/info/terms/
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