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Welcome to this week's edition of The Chicago Brain Trust, "a humorous
look at the Chicago-area's e-business community." As always, if you're looking for our signature cartoons, boogie on over to <http://chicagobraintrust.com/retinalimages.htm<;, and while you're at it, check out our fine selection of daily comic strips at <http://chicagobraintrust.com/comics.htm<;. And now, on with the show, and an even more Chicago-centric edition... -Todd Allen Chief Executive Smart-Ass The Chicago Brain Trust ============================================================================== == Warning: There is no truth in any of the materials in this newsletter, except by satirical inference. ============================================================================== == National Association For Acquiring Wealthy Spouses Revises Internet Executive Ratings (Chicago, IL) In an emergency summit, preceding their annual convention, the National Association For Acquiring Wealthy Spouses (NAFAWS) revised their ratings for eligible singles in the profession of Internet executive. "It was very trendy, two years ago, to marry an Internet executive," Mindi Newman, NAFAWS president-elect told reports. "The salaries were huge, the stock options plentiful, and the little dears were always at the office, so you had your time to yourself." It seems the dot-bomb phenomenon has tempered long-term expectations on the worth of Internet executives as marital partners. The stock market plunge has sent net-worth's plummeting overnight and liquid assets have been eaten up during periods of unemployment, causing some NAFAWS members to set their sights on mates in more traditional lines of work, like petroleum executive, physician and trust fund recipient. "The problem with Internet executives isn't so much the salary as the volatility of assets," Newman explained. "Given the high divorce rate amongst our members, a rapidly fluctuating net worth, commonly caused by assets like stock options suffering through bear and bull markets, can make timing the market for a divorce problematic. If you finalize your settlement when the stock is at a temporary peak and it bottoms out before you can cash out, what was the point of the marriage? "Similarly, the culture of vesting schedules amongst Internet executives has influenced their pre-nuptial agreements. In some severe cases, Internet executives are limiting the assets available in case of divorce on a sliding scale determined by the length of the marriage. Ironically, prior to the proliferation of stock options that made these Internet works so attractive as partners, a vesting schedule was unheard of in matrimonial matters. Now it limits their appeal." NAFAWS has officially downgraded the rating of Internet executives to Hold from Accumulate Dates. "While the lack of meaningful stock options is a minus, these executives are still drawing decent salaries, in many cases," Newman elaborated. "As there is always a chance the market will rebound and their earnings potential will rise. As such, we have lowered them to a Hold rating, instead of a Dump rating. We do have the caveat that male NAFAWS members should continue to Accumulate Dates with female Internet Executives, as there are relatively few of them and their availability should dry up quickly in the case of a market upswing." ********Advert************************************** Want to laugh at something besides business? Indignant Online... because ATTITUDE matters http://www.indignantonline.com ...we have sports, too ********Advert************************************** BRAIN DEAD In the words of Shaggy By The Big Head While I don't normally like to do local stories, I felt some recent activities warranted such action. Recently the state of Illinois announced they were voting to cut the funding for technology by about $20MM. I found this incredulous, until I started to think about the way things really work here in our lovely state. What I have come to realize is that no one really accepts responsibility. It is all about protecting personal and political turf. While most of our leaders talk a good game, in reality very little gets done. Why is that I began to ponder? Is it lack of vision? Fortitude? Support? Funding? Belief? Testicals? What exactly could it be? Last time I checked, technology was the fastest growing industry and sector. It had the highest paying jobs and the potential for the most substantial increase in the tax revenue. Why then would the state vote to cut the funding? Additionally, why did the coalition, wait until a single week before the vote to attempt to rally the troops? How much of a difference could we really make in just under a week? While we don't yet know the outcome of the vote, it begat a train of thought. This led me to question all sorts of issues, many of which remain unresolved and a few of which I am throwing in just for the hell of it. While it is often quoted, "the story you are about to hear is real, the names have been changed to protect the innocent", none of that such shannangry (that is a president Bush word if you were unsure) will occur here. No, we are not protecting the names of the innocent, because in our opinion, most of them are not innocent. If you are reading this outside of Chicago, feel free to drop the names in of your own local leaders; I'm sure it will be as relevant. Last, the following has the most dramatic impact if you have ever heard the song by the quasi rap/reggae artist Shaggy. He has a great song titled, "it wasn't me". The premise is, whenever someone accuses you of doing something, or expected you to do something, your patented response is....."It wasn't me". With that, let's play our little song: After each question, follow it with the answer; "It Wasn't Me!" (Shortened after each question to "IWM" to save me from typing) Shaye Mandle; I thought you were supposed to have more pull than this? IWM Governor Ryan; I thought you were supposed to fight harder for your technology initiatives? IWM Illinois Coalition; I thought you were supposed to do more than 3 panels a quarter? IWM IDFA: I thought you were supposed to give out all of you 16 million or so over 3 years? IWM DECCA: I thought after your Boeing win, you would be able to save the technology budget? IWM Katherine Gehl: I hoped you would have an initiative that would make an impact on Chicago and would have stuck by your guns with the McKinsey report? IWM Flip Filipowski: I though you were an incubator company who would protect and nurture your investment companies? IWM David Weinstein: I thought you would have sense not to spend $30 Million in 8 months? IWM Bill Lederer: I thought you would more closely watch your money, especially when $23 Million was being spent with no customer acquisition? IWM Mayor Daley: I thought you had more clout than to let flip pull out of the Skyscraper fund and the local investment community to consistently fool you into thinking they were supporting the local technology community? IWM A local VC: an early stage investment? IWM Jim Downing (IVCA); an attempt to address what McKinsey points out is a detriment to Chicago in the lack of early stage investing? IWM Skyscraper fund; I thought you were supposed to invest in Chicago companies, last I checked Schaumburg companies don't pay Chicago taxes? IWM Michael Gray; I thought you were supposed to invest the money into local startups? IWM Local Entrepreneurs: I thought you were supposed to learn how to read a balance sheet, wisely spend money, and know what the sales cycle is for your product? IWM The universities; I thought you were supposed to develop a good technology transfer program so students could and would be encouraged to start businesses and remain in Illinois? IWM First Tuesday and Big Frontier: I thought you would realize that eventually, if none of the companies have any money to buy the services, eventually the sponsors will get smart, figure that out and quite sponsoring? IWM Ron May: I thought you would figure out that if all you do is report negativity and lay offs, ultimately there will be no companies left to report anything on at all? IWM Prairie Angels: I thought if you are an Angel group you were supposed to actually make an investment? IWM Pate Phillips: I thought you were above holding a grudge for not being included in the Boeing deal? IWM Prairie Fire: I thought you were going to pick the top 10 companies who had the best chance of getting funded....and then actually help them? IWM TIE: I thought you would announce the rules of participation BEFORE an event when it came to the opportunity to present to the Prairie Angels? IWM John Stroiber of Fast Record: I really hoped you could hold out longer? IWM The recent company requesting info on ProofSpace: Where were you a year ago when they actually needed a client? IWM Anyone who could have invested in PayPal; I hoped one of our local Investors would have recognized a good technology before they left for the west coast and raised $175 Million in Funding? IWM And the beat goes on. So, there you have it, next time you hear someone say something that you know isn't true, or doesn't make any sense, realize what there answer will be; "It wasn't me!" The Big Head ********Advert************************************** What?!? You haven't subscribed to The Chicago Brain Trust yet? Get with the program, click here: http://thechicagobraintrust.com/subscriptions.htm Enough, already! ********Advert************************************** New Tissues Headlines for Week of 5-29 5-28-2001 (Chicago) e. e. Cummings Risen From Grave and Naming Dot.Com's Researchers at the University of Chicago's Venkman School of Parapsychology have detected paranormal activity surrounding local Internet firms. "i-Street, ePrairie, iExplore, eFiltration, iGive, marchFIRST, divine interVentures... it's obvious," said Professor Randi of the Venkman School. "The punctuation style is clearly the work of the ghost of e.e. Cummings, with his famous capitalization quirks, exerting influence over unwitting executives trying to name their companies." Professor Randi first became aware of the ghost, when marchFIRST contacted her in search of an explanation for their company's name. Unfortunately, early attempts at exorcisms have only resulted in the firm going out of business, but Professor Randi assures the CBT that the Venkman School, funded by executives looking for a convenient excuse, will endeavor to find a less fatal way to remove the Cummings influence from the tech scene. 5-28-2001 (Chicago). Skyscraper Fund is Reconstituted, Selects First Three Deals. After falling on hard times this winter when Divine, Inc. withdrew its financial support, the Skyscraper Fund could not follow through on its mandate to Fund Chicago start-ups. However all is well with since the City was able to find $12-$15 in supporting revenues. As a result, the Fund announced it's first three investments: BlueMeteor.com, BeautyJungle.com and Eppraisals.com. "We called over to each to let them know we have selected them, but they haven't returned our calls," said Skyscraper bigwig Jim Tyree. "I'm sure they'll get back to us soon. They have such sterling business plans, they're probably just too busy to telephone." 5-29-2001 (Springfield) Heavy Lobbying from Illinois Coalition Results in Restoration of Tech in State Budget. In a strange reversal, State funds were restored to the budget at the last minute. "Wow, that was close," said Shaye Mandel, the State's key tech czar. Fifteen minutes before presentation to the legislature, the funds mysteriously appeared. All lobbying by Chicago's high-tech community late last week seemed to go nowhere, leaving it unlikely that state lawmakers would restore $21.3 million in technology. But Mandel took another tact, which seemed to work. "I contacted the low-tech community, principally Vito Boomba, (aka "Vinny da Violinist") and he said he's have 'a conversation wit Pate'," Shaye said. Word is Vito said, "Eh, dat Pate guy came tru and since he went wit the money showin up in da budget, he looks better dan he wood if he was part of da new runways at Midway." Word on the street is that Vito "invested" in Fermi Lab: "'Cause you gotta take care of dem piasans." No one volunteered to tell Vito that Fermi's been dead for 40 years. 5-29-2001 (Evanston) Brain Drain from Chicago's Business Schools Slows. The latest statistics show fewer members of the graduating classes at Northwestern's Kellogg Graduate School of Management and the University of Chicago's Graduate School of Business are heading west than in recent years. "They seem to be heading for the beach," a Kellogg staffer was cited as saying. "Of course, when summer's over, they might be heading to these locations in California they put on their forwarding addresses." She continued. An informal poll of business school graduates taken by the CBT indicated that when asked if Chicago would be considered as a job location; giggles and outfight guffaws immediately followed. In one case, this reporter was asked which drug was I using, because "that would be excellent, dude - especially if I stay in Chicago." 5-30-2001 (Oak Brook) McDonald's Adopts Payment Technology - and Gets Gas in the Process. In its ongoing quest to cut service times for fast food, McDonald's Corp. Monday said it's employing high-tech electronic payment systems to speed the fast food gas payment process. "We can't get the food to you quicker, but we can take your money faster," a company spokesperson was quoted as saying. By using a payment device designed by Exxon Mobil Corp. for use at its Mobil gas stations, McDonald's expects to let the system charge your gastric discomfort to your favorite credit card. "The idea came to us when we realized a significant by-product of our food was gas. So why not charge for it just like Mobil does?" When explained that the gas they were talking about was different than what Mobil dispensed, the spokesperson seemed disappointed. "Huh? Well, I guess we could just use it to pay for the food, I suppose," Was the retort. 5-31-2001 (Chicago) Survey Debunks Theory of Lack of Venture Investment Money in Chicago. The Illinois Venture Capital Association released its latest survey on the state of venture Capital Money in Chicago. "Our statistics show that there is a 20% gain in investment capital in this City," cited IVCA Executive Director Jim Downing. "Just because we haven't invested in anything here doesn't mean there isn't any money available." When queried about local investments in the near future, Downing indicated that IVCA's first priority was to fund a high-tech PR firm that could tout the " . . . absolute tons of investments we might make in the upcoming year. After all, you just saw how we promoted pro-growth legislative initiatives in Illinois with our assistance on the State budget." 5-31-2001 (Chicago) Illinois Development Finance Authority (IDFA) Announces $470,000 in Investments - A Host of Firms to Follow in the Next 6 Months. The Illinois Development Finance Authority announced investments in three companies. "Now all we have to do is make 120 more investments in the next six months and we've reached our goal," Nora Blizfig said. "If we review 5 business plans a week and put together 100 panels, we'll have no trouble giving out the $20 million we're chartered to release." When queried by CBT staff as to why only 3 companies received funds since January, Ms. Blizfig recounted, "Well, er, we got a slow start, but we're really humming now." Asked if she could name any companies under consideration, she cited Blue Meteor and Eppraisals.com. As the first step in the process, companies seeking funds were invited to send their business plans to State Senator Pate Phillips. ********Advert************************************** The BIGfrontier BIG Bandwidth Birthday Bash DATE: Tuesday, June 12, 2001 LOCATION: Drink Nightclub, 702 West Fulton Street, Chicago COST: FREE - and the first drink's always on us! INFO: http://www.bigfrontier.org (312) 923-7601 ********Advert************************************** SHOCK THERAPY Selecting "Men In Black and Blue" By I.P. Daley Editor In Chief Todd Allen, our "resident and chief Smart-Ass" approached me during one of my lucent moments last week, griping that we have a Women in Black program in town but no Men in Black. For those of you who have been locked away even further and longer than yours truly, Women in Black is program that annually celebrates the achievement of women in the tech community. Todd was upset that we don't do the same for those of the other gender, but I had to take the politically correct posture, as I was seated at the time, and inform him that men don't need to be recognized for their contribution to tech as women do, because we already get plenty of notoriety. This did not seem to mollify Todd, but as we debated (as I drifted in and out), it occurred to me that I was partially right, but not completely so - and in a flash of brilliance, it struck me (or was that my nurse?): WE DO NEED TO CELEBRATE MEN IN CHICAGO TECH - BUT WHAT WE NEED TO CELEBRATE IS MASCULINE FAILURE! Think of it; 20 men selected each year, or whenever we get around to it, for their contribution to the Chicago Tech Wreck! And as such black is appropriate - you know - as in mourning. Well, after Todd stopped laughing, we sat down with The Big Head and started throwing some suggestions out: David Wienstein, for his ability to spend more money faster than a drunk at the dice tables in Las Vegas (and he didn't even get lucky, so I hear). Bob Bernard, for his excellent management of March (or is it April) First. Bill Lederer, for his great foresight in investing in a wonderful string of successful e-companies. Andrew, "Flip" Filipowski, for reinventing divine interVentures into a "software company" at the expense of their 40 incubated (more like roasted) start-ups. Ron May, for ensuring that no self-respecting investor would show up in a town with so, so many failures. Mohan Sawhney, for his perfect batting average on Internet business predictions. Bill Schermer, for focusing and spending more money on marketing than on actual sales creation. But we picked the easy ones, now you get to rack your brains, scratch your ____ and fill out the field. Send your picks to me IPDaley@thechicagobraintrust.com and we'll publish them. Please, in the interest of our audience's average age of 11 and their sensitivity, keep you language to only the highest level when describing your selection's reason for nomination. And don't come up with any women either, we had a few in mind, but this is "Men in Black and Blue", not "Dufuses in Black and Blue". After a week or so or when you people run out of ink, our e-mail server crashes from overload, or we get served with a lawsuit by the feminist community, Todd, the Head and your Editor will put our heads, or other parts of our anatomy, together and pick the best twenty. The Prize, you ask? Give us some time and we'll come up with something, but you may suggest that as well. Until next week or when they release me, I.P. ********Advert********************************************************** SITEVSIONS.com - WEB DEVELOPMENT AT REASONABLE PRICES If you are a small to medium-sized company and you are looking for an entry level or a medium-sized website at a very reasonable price, contact us. We offer all major development tools and a full line of products such as e-commerce shopping cart development, auction software, bulk e-mail, and we have these products priced aggressively. Our websites begin at $2,500 for a starter site and run up to the low six figures for huge, robust e-commerce applications. See sample work at: www.sitevisions.com/2001/portfolio.htm Contact us at sales@sitevisions.com or call 312-364-9438 x 224. ********Advert********************************************************** This has been a production of the Chicago Brain Trust. All materials are copyright 2001, The Chicago Brain Trust, all rights reserved. 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