: noah

Subject: noah

< IF NOAH LIVED IN THE UNITED STATES, TODAY . . .
< And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I
< am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth
< with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want
< you to save the righteous people and two of every kind
< of living
< thing on the earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to
< build an Ark." In a flash of lightening, God delivered
< the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling,
< Noah took the plans and agreed to build the
< Ark."Remember " said the Lord, "You must complete the
< Ark and bring everything aboard in one year.
<
< Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered
< the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a
< tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his
< front yard weeping. "Noah," He shouted. "Where is the
< Ark?" "Lord,
< please forgive me!", cried Noah. "I did my best, but
< there were big problems.
<
< 1. I had to get a permit for construction
<
< 2. Your plans did not comply with the codes.
<
< 3. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the
< plans.
<
< 4. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or
< not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system and
< flotation devices.
<
< 5. Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating
< zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front
< yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
< planning commission.
<
< 6. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
< because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect
< the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest
< Service that I needed the wood to save the owls.
<
< 7. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me
< catch any owls. So, no owls.
<
< 8. The carpenters formed a union and went out on
< strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the
< National Labor Relations Board before anyone would
< pick up a saw or a hammer. Now I have 16 carpenters on
< the Ark, but still
< no owls.
<
< 9. When I started rounding up the other animals, I got
< sued by an animal rights group. They objected to me
< only taking two of each kind aboard.
<
< 10. Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA
< notified me that I
< could
< not complete the Ark without filing an environmental
< impact statement
< on
< your
< proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the
< idea that they
< had no
< jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the
< universe.
<
< 11. Then the Army Engineers demanded a map of the
< proposed new flood
< plan. I
< sent them a globe.
<
< 12. Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint
< filed with the Equal
< Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing
< discrimination
< by
< not taking Godless, unbelieving people aboard!
<
< 13.The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm
< building the Ark in
< preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
< I just got a
< notice
< from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax
< as I failed to
< register
< the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
<
< 14. Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an
< injunction against
< further
< construction of the Ark, saying that since God is
< flooding the earth,
< it is
< a
< religious event and therefore unconstitutional. I
< really don't think
< I can
< finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
< The sky began
< to
< clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to
< calm. A rainbow
< arched
< across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean
< you are not going
< to
< destroy the earth Lord?" "No," said the Lord sadly.
< "I don't have
< to. The
< government already has."
<
<
< PS : I'm surprised we haven't blamed 'The Flood' on
< Global Warming...
<
<
<
<
< __________________________________________________
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