A Little Houston Humor

A VISITOR'S GUIDE TO HOUSTON

1. First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is YEEWS-TUN and it
does not matter how people pronounce it in other places.

2. Houston has its own version of traffic rules. Never forget that
downtown Houston is composed entirely of one way streets. The only way to
get out of the center of town is to turn around and start over when you
reach Dallas.

3. All directions start with, "Go down Westheimer"

4. Westheimer has no beginning and no end.

5. The 8:00am rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30am. The 5:00pm rush hour is
from 3:30 to 6:30pm. Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you cannot be from Houston.

7. Kuykendahl (kirk-en-doll) Road can only be pronounced by a native, so do
not attempt the phonetic pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads
to the right and stare at you.

8. The falling of one snowflake causes all traffic to immediately cease.
Fortunately all schools, businesses and city government close when the word
snow is mentioned. (But of course, snow is a foreign substance to most
Houstonians!)

9. Construction on the Gulf Freeway is a way of life, and a permanent form
of entertainment.

10. Many bizarre sights can be explained simply by uttering the phrase,
"Oh, we're in Montrose!"

11. Construction crews aren't doing their job properly unless they close
down all lanes except one during rush hour.

12. If someone actually has their turn signal on, it was probably left on
at the factory where the car was made.

13. Buying a Houston street map is a waste of money since the termination
or continuation of any street is entirely at the discretion of the Streets
Department of the City.

14. Asking directions will help you get acquainted with the numerous recent
residents. It will not be any help at all for finding the address you seek.

15. Houston natives are so rare that they are listed on the endangered
species list. Even they can't help with directions though, as most streets
are still under construction and have recently changed names.

16. What you need to know when arriving at Bush Intercontinental Airport:
Your arrival gate is at least 32 miles away from the Main Concourse of any
terminal. Walking heels on your boots or walking shoes are advised.

17. Never honk your horn at another car in Houston traffic. The bumper
sticker that reads, "Keep honking, I'm reloading" is considered a fair
warning.

18. Exit and entry ramps on the freeway are just the recommended way of
entering and exiting, feel free to exit at any grassy point you wish.